Another of Jonathan Swift's merciless satires. It's not always easy to care about the things Swift got himself worked up about, but if only there were more like him today: I fear satire is a dying art.

The entire (lengthy) text follows below, arbitrarily sprinkled with hard links. I found this text at gopher://

Unfortunately, I don't know who to acknowledge for putting the text online in the first place.

An Argument to Prove That the
Abolishing of Christianity in England,
May as Things Now Stand,
Be Attended with Some Inconveniencies, and Perhaps
Not Produce Those Many Good Effects Proposed Thereby

I AM very sensible what Weakness and Presumption it is, to reason against the general Humour and Disposition of the World. I remember it was with great Justice, and a due regard to the Freedom both of the Publick and the Press, forbidden upon severe Penalties to Write, or Discourse, or lay Wagers against the Union, even before it was confirmed by Parliament, because that was look'd upon as a Design, to oppose the Current of the People, which besides the Folly of it, is a manifest Breach of the Fundamental Law that makes this Majority of Opinion the Voice of God. In like manner, and for the very same Reasons, it may perhaps be neither safe nor prudent to argue against the abolishing of Christianity: at a Juncture when all Parties seem so unanimously determined upon the Point, as we cannot but allow from their Actions, their Discourses, and their Writings. However, I know not how, whether from the Affectation of Singularity, or the Perverseness of Human Nature, but so it unhappily falls out, that I cannot be entirely of this Opinion. Nay, although I were sure, an Order were issued out for my immediate Prosecution by the Attorney General, I should still confess that in the present Posture of our Affairs at home or abroad, I do not yet see the absolute Necessity of extirpating the Christian Religion from among us.

THIS perhaps may appear too great a Paradox even for our wise and paradoxical Age to endure; therefore I shall handle it with all Tenderness, and with the utmost Deference to that great and profound Majority which is of another Sentiment.

AND yet the Curious may please to observe, how much the Genius of a Nation is liable to alter in half an Age. I have heard it affirmed for certain by some very old People, that the contrary Opinion was even in their Memories as much in Vogue as the other is now; And, that a Project for the abolishing Christianity would then have appeared as singular, and been thought as absurd, as it would be at this time to write or discourse in it's Defence.

THEREFORE I freely own that all Appearances are against me. The System of the Gospel after the Fate of other Systems is generally antiquated and exploded; and the Mass or Body of the common People, among whom it seems to have had it's latest Credit, are now grown as much ashamed of it as their Betters: Opinions like Fashions always descending from those of Quality to the middle sort, and thence to the Vulgar, where at length they are dropp'd and vanish.

BUT here I would not be mistaken, and must therefore be so bold as to borrow a Distinction from the Writers on the other side, when they make a Difference between Nominal and Real Trinitarians. I hope no Reader imagines me so weak to stand up in the Defence of real Christianity, such as used in primitive Times (if we may believe the Authors of those Ages) to have an Influence upon Mens Belief and Actions: To offer at the restoring of That would indeed be a wild Project; It would be to dig up Foundations, to destroy at one Blow all the Wit, and half the Learning of the Kingdom; to break the entire Frame and Constitution of Things, to ruin Trade, extinguish Arts and Sciences with the Professors of them; In short, to turn our Courts, Exchanges, and shops into Deserts; and would be full as absurd as the Proposal of Horace, where he advises the Romans, all in a Body to leave their City, and seek a new Seat in some remote Part of the World, by way of a Cure for the Corruption of their Manners.

THEREFORE I think this Caution was in it self altogether unnecessary (which I have inserted only to prevent all Possibility of Caviling) since every candid Reader will easily understand my Discourse to be intended only in Defence of nominal Christianity, the other having been for some time wholly laid aside by general Consent, as utterly inconsistent with all our present Schemes of Wealth and Power.

BUT why we should therefore cast off the Name and Title of Christians, although the general Opinion and Resolution be so violent for it, I confess I cannot (with Submission) apprehend the Consequence necessary. However, since the Undertakers propose such wonderful Advantages to the Nation by this Project, and advance many plausible Objections against the System of Christianity, I shall briefly consider the Strength of both, fairly allow them their greatest Weight, and offer such Answers as I think most reasonable. After which I will beg leave to shew what Inconveniencies may possibly happen by such an Innovation, in the present Posture of our Affairs.

First, ONE great Advantage proposed by the abolishing of Christianity is, That it would very much enlarge and establish Liberty of Conscience, that great Bulwark of our Nation, and of the Protestant Religion, which is still too much limited by Priest-craft, notwithstanding all the good Intentions of the Legislature, as we have lately found by a severe Instance. For it is confidently reported, that two Young Gentlemen of great Hopes, bright Wit, and profound Judgment, who upon a thorough Examination of Causes and Effects, and by the meer Force of natural Abilities, without the least Tincture of Learning, having made a Discovery, that there was no God, and generously communicating their Thoughts for the good of the Publick; were some time ago by an unparalleled Severity, and upon I know not what obsolete Law, broke only for Blasphemy. And as it hath been wisely observed, if Persecution once begins no Man alive knows how far it may reach, or where it will end.

IN answer to all which, with deference to wiser Judgments, I think this rather shews the Necessity of a nominal Religion among us. Great Wits love to be free with the highest Objects, and if they cannot be allowed a God to revile or renounce; they will speak Evil of Dignities, abuse the Government, and reflect upon the Ministry, which I am sure few will deny to be of much more pernicious Consequence, according to the saying of Tiberius, Deorum Offensa Diis curae. As to the particular Fact related, I think it is not fair to argue from one Instance, perhaps another cannot be produced, yet (to the Comfort of all those who may be apprehensive of Persecution) Blasphemy we know is freely spoke a Million of times in every Coffee-House and Tavern, or wherever else good Company meet. It must be allowed indeed that to break an English Free-born Officer only for Blasphemy, was, to speak the gentlest of such an Action, a very high strain of absolute Power. Little can be said in Excuse for the General; Perhaps he was afraid it might give Offence to the Allies, among whom, for ought I know, it may be the Custom of the Country to believe a God. But if he argued, as some have done, upon a mistaken Principle, that an Officer who is guilty of speaking Blasphemy, may sometime or other proceed so far as to raise a Mutiny, the Consequence is by no means to be admitted; For, surely the Commander of an English Army is like to be but ill obey'd, whose Soldiers fear and reverence him as little as they do a Deity.

IT is further objected against the Gospel System, that it obliges men to the Belief of Things too difficult for free Thinkers, and such who have shook off the Prejudices that usually cling to a confin'd Education. To which I answer, that Men should be cautious how they raise Objections which reflect upon the Wisdom of the Nation. Is not every body freely allowed to believe whatever he pleaseth, and to publish his Belief to the World whenever he thinks fit, especially if it serve to strengthen the Party which is in the Right. Would any indifferent Foreigner, who should read the Trumpery lately written by Asgil, Tindall, Toland, Coward, and Forty more, imagine the Gospel to be our Rule of Faith, and to be confirmed by Parliaments. Does any Man either Believe, or say he believes, or desire to have it thought that he says he Believes one Syllable of the Matter, and is any Man worse received upon that Score, or does he find his want of Nominal Faith a disadvantage to him in the Pursuit of any Civil or Military Employment? What if there be an old dormant Statute or two against him, are they not now obsolete, to a degree, that Empson and Dudley themselves if they were now alive, would find it impossible to put them in Execution?

IT is likewise urged, that there are by Computation in this Kingdom, above Ten Thousand Parsons, whose Revenues added to those of my Lords the Bishops, would suffice to maintain at least Two Hundred Young Gentlemen of Wit and Pleasure, and Free- thinking Enemies to Priest-Craft, narrow Principles, Pedantry, and Prejudices, who might be an Ornament to the Court and Town: And then, again, so great a Number of able (bodied) Divines might be a Recruit to our Fleet and Armies. This indeed appears to be a Consideration of some Weight: But then, on the other side, several Things deserve to be considered likewise: As, First, Whether it may not be thought necessary that in certain Tracts of Country, like what we call Parishes, there should be one Man at least, of Abilities to Read and Write. Then it seems a wrong Computation, that the Revenues of the Church throughout this Island would be large enough to maintain Two Hundred Young Gentlemen, or even half that Number, after the present refined Way of Living, that is, to allow each of them such a Rent, as in the modern Form of Speech, would make them easy. But still there is in this Project a greater Mischief behind; And we ought to beware of the Woman's Folly, who killed the Hen that every Morning laid her a Golden Egg. For, pray what would become of the Race of Men in the next Age, if we had nothing to trust to besides the Scrophulous consumptive Production furnished by our Men of Wit and Pleasure, when having squandered away their Vigour, Health, and Estates, they are forced by some disagreeable Marriage to piece up their broken Fortunes, and entail Rottenness and Politeness on their Posterity. Now, here are ten thousand Persons reduced by the wise Regulations of Henry the Eighth, to the Necessity of a low Dyet, and moderate Exercise, who are the only great Restorers of our Breed, without which the Nation would in an Age or two become but one great Hospital.

ANOTHER Advantage proposed by the Abolishing of Christianity, is the clear Gain of one Day in Seven, which is now entirely lost, and consequently the Kingdom one Seventh less considerable in Trade, Business, and Pleasure; beside the Loss to the Publick of so many Stately Structures now in the Hands of the Clergy, which might be converted into Theatres, Exchanges, Market-houses, common Dormitories, and other Publick Edifices.

I hope I shall be forgiven a hard Word if I call this a perfect Cavil. I readily own there hath been an old Custom time out of mind, for People to assemble in the Churches every Sunday, and that shops are still frequently shut, in order as it is conceived, to preserve the Memory of that antient Practice, but how this can prove a hindrance to Business or Pleasure, is hard to imagine. What if the Men of Pleasure are forced one Day in the Week to game at Home instead of the Chocolate-House. Are not the Taverns and Coffee-Houses open? Can there be a more convenient Season for taking a Dose of Physick? Are fewer Claps got upon Sundays than other Days? Is not that the chief Day for Traders to Sum up the Accounts of the Week, and for Lawyers to prepare their Briefs? But I would fain know how it can be pretended that the Churches are misapplied. Where are more Appointments and Rendezvouzes of Gallantry? Where more Care to appear in the foremost Box with greater Advantage of Dress? Where more Meetings for Business? Where more Bargains driven of all Sorts? And where so many Conveniences or Incitements to Sleep?

THERE is one Advantage greater than any of the foregoing, proposed by the Abolishing of Christianity, that it will utterly extinguish Parties among us, by removing those Factious Distinctions of High and Low Church, of Whig and Tory, Presbyterian and Church of England, which are now so many grievous Clogs upon Publick Proceedings, and dispose Men to prefer the gratifying themselves or depressing their Adversaries, before the most important Interest of the State.

I confess, if it were certain that so great an Advantage would redound to the Nation by this Expedient, I would submit, and be silent: But, will any man say that if the Words, Whoring, Drinking, Cheating, Lying, Stealing, were by Act of Parliament ejected out of the English Tongue and Dictionaries; We should all Awake next Morning Chast and Temperate, Honest and Just, and Lovers of Truth. Is this a fair Consequence? Or if the Physicians would forbid us to pronounce the Words Pox, Gout, Rheumatism and Stone, would that Expedient serve like so many Talismans to destroy the Diseases themselves. Are Party and Faction rooted in Mens Hearts no deeper than Phrases borrowed from Religion, or founded upon no firmer Principles? And is our Language so poor that we cannot find other Terms to express them? Are Envy, Pride, Avarice and Ambition such ill Nomenclators, that they cannot furnish Appellations for their Owners? Will not Heydukes and Mamalukes, Mandarins and Patshaws, or any other Words formed at Pleasure, serve to distinguish those who are in the Ministry from others who would be in it if they could? What, for instance, is easier than to vary the Form of Speech, and instead of the Word, Church, make it a Question in Politicks, Whether the Monument be in Danger? Because Religion was nearest at hand to furnish a few convenient Phrases, is our Invention so barren, we can find no other? Suppose for Argument sake, that the Tories favoured Margarita, the Whigs Mrs. Tofts, and the Trimmers Valentini, would not Margaritians, Toftians and Valentinians be very tolerable Marks of Distinction? The Prasini and Veneti, two most virulent Factions in Italy, began (if I remember right) by a Distinction of Colours in Ribbans, which we might do with as Good a Grace about the Dignity of the Blew and the Green, and would serve as properly to divide the Court, the Parliament, and the Kingdom between them, as any Terms of Art whatsoever, borrowed from Religion. Therefore I think there is little Force in this Objection against Christianity, or Prospect of so great an Advantage as is proposed in the abolishing of it.

IT is again objected as a very absurd ridiculous Custom, that a Set of Men should be suffered, much less employed and hired, to bawl one Day in Seven against the Lawfulness of those Methods most in use towards the Pursuit of Greatness, Riches and Pleasure, which are the constant Practice of all Men alive on the other Six. But this Objection is I think, a little unworthy so refined an Age as ours. Let us argue this Matter calmly; I appeal to the Breast of any polite Free Thinker, whether in the Pursuit of gratifying a predominant Passion, he hath not always felt a wonderful Incitement, by reflecting it was a Thing forbidden; And therefore we see, in order to cultivate this Taste, the Wisdom of the Nation hath taken special Care, that the Ladies should be furnished with Prohibited Silks, and the Men with Prohibited Wine; And indeed it were to be wisht, that some other Prohibitions were promoted, in order to improve the Pleasures of the Town, which for want of such Expedients begin already, as I am told, to flag and grow languid, giving way daily to cruel Inroads from the Spleen.

IT is likewise proposed as a great Advantage to the Publick, that if we once discard the System of the Gospel, all Religion will of course be banished for ever, and consequently along with it, those grievous Prejudices of Education, which under the Names of Virtue, Conscience, Honour, Justice, and the like, are so apt to disturb the Peace of human Minds, and the Notions whereof are so hard to be eradicated by Right Reason or Free Thinking, sometimes during the whole Course of our Lives.

HERE first I observe how difficult it is to get rid of a Phrase which the World is once grown fond of, although the Occasion that first produced it, be entirely taken away. For several Years past, if a Man had but an ill-favoured Nose, the deep Thinkers of the Age would some way or other contrive to impute the Cause to the Prejudice of his Education. From this Fountain are said to be derived all our foolish Notions of Justice, Piety, Love of our Country, all our Opinions of God or a Future State, Heaven, Hell and the like: And there might formerly perhaps have been some Pretence for this Charge. But so effectual Care hath been since taken to remove those Prejudices, by an entire Change in the Methods of Education, that (with Honour I mention it to our Polite Innovators) the Young Gentlemen, who are now on the Scene, seem to have not the least Tincture left of those Infusions, or String of those Weeds, and by consequence the Reason for abolishing Nominal Christianity upon that Pretext, is wholly ceast.

FOR the rest, it may perhaps admit a Controversy, whether the banishing all Notions of Religion whatsoever, would be convenient for the Vulgar. Not that I am in the least of Opinion with those who hold Religion to have been the Invention of Politicians, to keep the lower Part of the World in Awe by the fear of Invisible Powers; unless Mankind were then very different from what it is now: For I look upon the Mass or Body of our People here in England, to be as Free Thinkers, that is to say, as Stanch Unbelievers, as any of the highest Rank. But I conceive some scattered Notions about a Superior Power to be of singular Use for the Common People, as furnishing excellent Materials to keep Children quiet when they grow peevish, and providing Topicks of Amusement in a tedious Winter Night.

LASTLY, it is proposed as a singular Advantage, that the abolishing of Christianity will very much contribute to the uniting of Protestants, by enlarging the Terms of Communion so as to take in all sorts of Dissenters, who are now shut out of the Pale upon Account of a few Ceremonies which all Sides confess to be Things indifferent: That this alone will effectually answer the great Ends of a Scheme for Comprehension, by opening a large noble Gate, at which all Bodies may enter; whereas the chaffering with Dissenters, and dodging about this or the other Ceremony, is but like opening a few Wickets, and leaving them at jar, by which no more than one can get in at a time, and that, not without stooping, and sideling, and squeezing his Body.

TO all this I answer; that there is one darling Inclination of Mankind, which usually affects to be a Retainer to Religion, though she be neither it's Parent, it's Godmother, or it's Friend; I mean the Spirit of Opposition, that lived long before Christianity, and can easily subsist without it. Let us for instance, examine wherein the Opposition of Sectaries among us consists. we shall find Christianity to have no share in it at all. Does the Gospel any where prescribe a starcht squeezed Countenance, a Stiff formal Gate, a singularity of Manners and Habit, or any affected Modes of Speech different from the reasonable Part of Mankind. Yet, if Christianity did not lend it's name, to stand in the Gap, and to employ or divert these Humors, they must of necessity be spent in Contraventions to the Laws of the Land, and Disturbance of the Publick Peace. There is a Portion of Enthusiasm assigned to every Nation, which if it hath not proper Objects to work on, will burst out and set all in a Flame. If the Quiet of a State can be bought by only flinging Men a few Ceremonies to devour, it is a Purchase no Wise Man would refuse. Let the Mastiffs amuse themselves about a Sheepskin stufft with Hay, provided it will keep them from Worrying the Flock. The Institution of Convents abroad, seems in one Point a strain of great Wisdom, there being few Irregularities in human Passions, that may not have recourse to vent themselves in some of those Orders, which are so many Retreats for the Speculative, the Melancholy, the Proud, the Silent, the Politick and the Morose, to spend themselves, and evaporate the Noxious Particles; for each of whom we in this Island are forced to provide a several Sect of Religion, to keep them Quiet; and whenever Christianity shall be abolished, the Legislature must find some other Expedient to employ and entertain them. For what imports it how large a Gate you open, if there will be always left a Number who place a Pride and a Merit in refusing to enter?

HAVING thus consider'd the most important Objections against Christianity, and the chief Advantages proposed by the Abolishing thereof; I shall now with equal Deference and Submission to wiser Judgments as before, proceed to mention a few Inconveniencies that may happen, if the Gospel should be repealed; which perhaps the Projectors may not have sufficiently considered.

AND first, I am very sensible how much the Gentlemen of Wit and Pleasure are apt to murmur, and be choqued at the sight of so many daggled-tail Parsons, who happen to fall in their way, and offend their Eyes; but at the same Time these wise Reformers do not consider what an Advantage and Felicity it is, for great Wits to be always provided with Objects of Scorn and Contempt, in order to exercise and improve their Talents, and divert their Spleen from falling on each other or on themselves, especially when all this may be done without the least imaginable Danger to their Persons.

AND to urge another Argument of a parallel Nature. If Christianity were once abolished, how could the Free Thinkers, the Strong Reasoners, and the Men of profound Learning, be able to find another Subject so calculated in all Points whereon to display their Abilities. What wonderful Productions of Wit should we be deprived of, from those whose Genius by continual Practice hath been wholly turn'd upon Railery and Invectives against Religion, and would therefore never be able to shine or distinguish themselves upon any other Subject. We are daily complaining of the great decline of Wit among us, and would we take away the greatest, perhaps the only Topick we have left? Who would ever have suspected Asgil for a Wit, or Toland for a Philosopher, if the inexhaustible Stock of Christianity had not been at hand to provide them with Materials. What other Subject through all Art or Nature could have produced Tindall for a profound Author, or furnished him with Readers. It is the wise Choice of the Subject that alone adorns and distinguishes the Writer. For, had a Hundred such Pens as these been employed on the side of Religion, they would have immediately sunk into Silence and Oblivion.

NOR do I think it wholly groundless, or my Fears altogether imaginary, that the Abolishing of Christianity may perhaps bring the Church in Danger, or at least put the Senate to the Trouble of another Securing Vote. I desire I may not be mistaken; I am far from presuming to affirm or think that the Church is in Danger at present, or as Things now stand, but we know not how soon it may be so when the Christian Religion is repealed. As plausible as this Project seems, there may a dangerous Design lurk under it; Nothing can be more notorious, than that the Atheists, Deists, Socinians, Anti- Trinitarians, and other Subdivisions of Free Thinkers, are Persons of little Zeal for the present Ecclesiastical Establishment: Their declared Opinion is for repealing the Sacramental Test, they are very indifferent with regard to Ceremonies, nor do they hold the Jus Divinum of Episcopacy. Therefore this may be intended as one Politick step towards altering the Constitution of the Church Established, and setting up Presbytery in the stead, which I leave to be further considered by those at the Helm.

IN the last Place I think nothing can be more plain, than that by this Expedient, we shall run into the Evil we chiefly pretend to avoid; and that the Abolishment of the Christian Religion, will be the readiest Course we can take to introduce Popery. And I am the more inclined to this Opinion, because we know it has been the constant Practice of the Jesuits to send over Emissaries, with Instructions to personate themselves Members of the several prevailing Sects amongst us. So it is recorded, that they have at sundry Times appeared in the Guise of Presbyterians, Anabaptists, Independents, and Quakers, according as any of these were most in Credit; So, since the Fashion hath been taken up of exploding Religion, the Popish Missionaries have not been wanting to mix with the Free-Thinkers; among whom Toland the great Oracle of the Anti-Christians is an Irish Priest, the Son of an Irish Priest; and the most learned and ingenious Author of a Book called the Rights of the Christian Church, was in a proper Juncture reconciled to the Romish Faith, whose true Son, as appears by a hundred Passages in his Treatise he still continues. Perhaps I could add some others to the Number; but the Fact is beyond Dispute, and the Reasoning they proceed by is right: For supposing Christianity to be extinguished, the People will never be at Ease till they find out some other Method of Worship; which will as infallibly produce Superstition, as this will end in Popery.

AND therefore, if notwithstanding all I have said, it still be thought necessary to have a Bill brought in for repealing Christianity; I would humbly offer an Amendment; That instead of the Word, Christianity, may be put Religion in general, which I conceive will much better answer all the good Ends proposed by the Projectors of it. For, as long as we leave in being, a God and his Providence, with all the necessary Consequences which curious and inquisitive Men will be apt to draw from such Premises, we do not strike at the Root of the Evil, though we should ever so effectually annihilate the present Scheme of the Gospel; For, of what Use is Freedom of Thought, if it will not produce Freedom of Action, which is the sole End, how remote soever in Appearance, of all Objections against Christianity; And therefore, the Free-Thinkers consider it as a Sort of Edifice, wherein all the Parts have such a mutual Dependence on each other, that if you happen to pull out one single Nail, the whole Fabrick must fall to the Ground. This was happily exprest by him who had heard of a Text brought for proof of the Trinity, which in an ancient Manuscript was differently read; He thereupon immediately took the Hint, and by a sudden Deduction of a long Sorites, most Logically concluded: Why, if it be as you say, I may safely Whore and Drink on, and defy the Parson. From which, and many the like Instances easy to be produced, I think nothing can be more manifest, than that the Quarrel is not against any particular Points of hard digestion in the Christian System, but against Religion in general, which, by laying Restraints on human Nature, is supposed the great Enemy to the Freedom of Thought and Action.

UPON the whole, if it shall still be thought for the Benefit of Church and State, that Christianity be abolished; I conceive however, it may be more convenient to defer the Execution to a Time of Peace, and not venture in this Conjuncture to disoblige our Allies, who as it falls out, are all Christians, and many of them, by the Prejudices of their Education, so bigotted, as to place a sort of Pride in the Appellation. If upon being rejected by them, we are to trust to an Alliance with the Turk, we shall find our selves much deceived: For, as he is too remote, and generally engaged in War with the Persian Emperor, so his People would be more Scandalized at our Infidelity, than our Christian Neighbours. Because the Turks are not only strict Observers of religious Worship; but what is worse, believe a God, which is more than is required of us, even while we preserve the Name of Christians.

TO conclude, Whatever some may think of the great Advantages to Trade by this favourite Scheme, I do very much apprehend, that in Six Months time after the Act is past for the Extirpation of the Gospel, the Bank, and East-India Stock, may fall at least One per Cent. And since that is Fifty times more than ever the Wisdom of our Age thought fit to venture for the Preservation of Christianity, there is no Reason we should be at so great a Loss meerly for the sake of destroying it.

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