Based on the "Albert" monologues by Edgar Marriot and Stanley Holloway

Now Mr and Mrs Ramsbottom
Despite of 'is troublesome start
Were awfully fond of their Albert
'E 'eld a warm place in their 'eart

They forgave 'im t'adventure wit' lion
And after a season or two
They excused 'is untimely arrival
As they settled 'is price with the Pru.

'E outgrew 'is penchant for mishap
It turned out 'e weren't even dull,
'is parents saw 'im graduated
in Media Studies, from 'ull

The news it were young Albert's passion
'is youthful ambitions were set
On a spot on the news team on t’ telly
Like Simpson, and Witchell, and t'rest.

'E worked on t'local rag to begin with
Then tabloids, and then broadsheet stuff
And finally a Guardian byline
Eeh, but 'is mother were chuffed

They called him to guest wi' Paul Merton
On that Friday night quiz of Beeb Two's
And 'e found 'imself stood at' urinal
Beside t'bloke that ran BBC News

Now I'm not sure 'ow Albert impressed 'im
'E kept all the details quite dark
But twenty or so minutes later
E' was 'ired to go out to Iraq.

For a year or two things were quite quiet,
And young Albert began to get bored.
But Dubya took action to fix that
When 'e whipped up 'is nice little war.

By, the lad 'e got proper excited
It seemed that 'is moment 'ad come
T’weren't Albert as blew 'is first broadcast
But a damn great American bomb.

Now Mrs R. sounded right bitter
As she twisted 'er 'ankie quite limp
"To think," she said, "'e survived lions
And then got done in - by a Chimp"

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