Principia Discordia, 5th Edition
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A ZEN STORY


by Camden Benares, The Count of Five,
Headmaster, Camp Meeker Cabal


A serious young man found the conflicts of mid 20th Century America confusing. He went to many people seeking a way of resolving within himself the discords that troubled him, but he remained troubled.

One night in a coffee house, a self-ordained Zen Master said to him, "go to the dilapidated mansion you will find at this address which I have written down for you. Do not speak to those who live there; you must remain silent until the moon rises tomorrow night. Go to the large room on the right of the main hallway, sit in the lotus position on top of the rubble in the northeast corner, face the corner, and meditate."

He did just as the Zen Master instructed. His meditation was frequently interrupted by worries. He worried whether or not the rest of the plumbing fixtures would fall from the second floor bathroom to join the pipes and other trash he was sitting on. He worried how would he know when the moon rose on the next night. He worried about what the people who walked through the room said about him.

His worrying and meditation were disturbed when, as if in a test of his faith, ordure fell from the second floor onto him. At that time two people walked into the room. The first asked the second who the man was sitting there was. The second replied "Some say he is a holy man. Others say he is a shithead."

Hearing this, the man was enlightened.

A man was walking across a plain. A large tiger began to chase him. The man came to a deep chasm. The man looked from the tiger behind him to the sharp rocks that would spell certain death far below him. He spotted a vine descending down the rock face and decided to climb down the vine to escape the tiger. As he lowered himself down the vine he heard a noise above him and saw two tiny mice chewing through the vine. Facing certain death above him from the man eating tiger and painful death on the rocks below him, the man noticed a ripe, red strawberry growing on the cliff face in front of him. The man picked and ate the strawberry and it was the best tasting, juiciest, most savory strawberry he had ever eaten.

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