editor's note: The following 'extra scene' for this play was written by erotica writer Edward Stauff in 1991, rather than William Shakespeare.


William Shakespeare's A Midsummer Night's Dream. Act III, scene 3. (previous scene next scene)
Act III. Scene III. -- Another part of the The Wood.

Enter TITANIA and BOTTOM, Fairies attending, and PUCK, unseen.

TITANIA
Come, bathe with me in yonder pool and, when
Refresh'd and sweeten'd by its waters, then
Upon its mossy shores we will recline
And tenderly our sep'rate limbs entwine
Like vines which on some ancient trunk advance
And there perform love's horizontal dance.

BOTTOM
As for dancing, I'll jig along with the best of 'em, and as for
twining, I'll tie us up like so much string; but as for bathing,
I'd as lief skip over that and proceed with the rest.

TITANIA
Thou art no less than perfect in my sight,
More precious to me is thy every word.
But thou about thee hast an air of blight;
Such imperfection thou canst not afford.

BOTTOM
Tis true my faults are few and of little significance, and if
the air be made no sweeter by my presence (which I doubt),
consider how much worse would smell my corpse, freshly drownded:
I can dance and sing, but neither fly nor swim.

TITANIA
This shallow pond's no deeper than my chest,
Upon which, while you bathe, your head will rest.
Of drowning I can pacify your fear.
Come fairies, do assist me with my dear.

PUCK
Now ere long they shall see
Other ass anatomy.
So I'll watch, here conceal'd,
What's about to be reveal'd.

BOTTOM
Here, master Cobweb, would you steal a man's clothes straight
off his back? Masters Peas-Blossom and Mustard-Seed, my boots
will not serve you to wear, for they are too large, nor will
they serve you as drinking-horns, for they are too holy. Nay,
master Moth, my trousers too? Help me, lest I fall! [Falls in water]

TITANIA
What royal sceptre of heroic size
Is this that doth thy graceful loins adorn?
Art thou bold Priapus in some disguise?
What melodies I'll play upon this horn!

BOTTOM
[Aside] Be this bludgeon curse or blessing I cannot say, but if
I have this water to thank for it, I have a new-found friend in
water. [ToTITANIA] I'll rise to the occasion.

TITANIA
Thou art my conquerer: now I do brace
Myself for thou to serve the coup de grace.
Be merciful as thou thy weapon wield:
Not quick, but slow, and so this flesh will yield.
Oh! Ah! By all the gods! I am impaled!

PUCK
Tomcats have tenderness
In their mating nothing less
Than this oaf, in disguise,
Battering Titania's thighs.

TITANIA
I am an endless field which thou must plough
Forever, for I cannot have enou
Of thy embrace. But here, thy seed is sown
In such a raging torrent as to drown
Me from within. Now in some other wise
Thou must to me make love, nor criticize
This thy performance for its brevity,
For much superior longevity
Have fingers, lips and tongue. Nay, do not sleep!
Awaken! O, how canst thou lie so deep
In slumber, having sated well thy lust,
While for a similar contentment must
Titania to her own devices turn?

COBWEB
O most beloved queen, wilt thou not spurn
This rude, ill-mannered mortal?

TITANIA
                                        Say not so.
While sleeps my love, apart from him we'll go
Some little distance, so thereby to wake
Him not, while we my passion try to slake.
Come fairies, if you can,
Complete what he began.                     [Exeunt TITANIA and Fairies]

William Shakespeare's A Midsummer Night's Dream. Act III, scene 3. (previous scene next scene)

Copyright 1991 by Edward L. Stauff.  The author grants permission
to copy and distribute this story for personal, non-profit use, provided
that it is copied without modification and includes this notice.  All
other rights are reserved.

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