Every year, the television networks in the United States of America make a big deal out of introducing their plans for the following autumn a few months in advance. These plans inevitably change a number of times between May and September, and in recent years the premieres of these new lineups stretch on and on into late October. Then the networks panic after two weeks cuz their ratings are never as good as they want them to be. This has begun to be so common that they're now beginning to schedule midseason replacements into their fall schedules in order to save time on the panicking later. Another important thing about the release of the fall schedule in the late spring is the discovery that certain shows one has become familiar with and enjoyed are being discontinued in favor of crappier, cheaper programming like reality shows about unrealistic people, or family dramas that feature interpersonal relationships which were unoriginal back in the days of My Three Sons and Father Knows Best.

The atmosphere this season is even more conservative than usual. After Janet Jackson had her wardrobe malfunction earlier this year, all television networks are scrambling to find less offensive ways to keep audiences. The result is a bunch of safe and therefore boring attempts at entertainment. Furthermore, due to the sluggish economy, which has managed to rebound not unlike Shannen Doherty's career, television networks are doing the exact opposite of pulling all the stops while simultaneously trying to sound more excited about their lack of creativity and daring than they have ever been before. With that said, an examination of the lists below should encourage everyone to throw their televisions out the window, and scream at the top of their lungs, "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore!" However, if I know Americans, and I think I do, they will sit on their couches and fondle their remotes and make absolutely no effort to improve their lowering of the common denominator.

All times are Eastern. Those in Central time zone please subtract one hour, those in Mountain time please subtract two hours, and those in the Pacific Time Zone please simultaneously converge on southern California and use your accumulative weight to sink Television City into the ocean. Thank you.

CBS

NBC

ABC

FOX

WB

    Saturday

  • 7pm - to be announced
  • 10pm - local news

UPN

    Sunday

  • to be announced (probably local programming or reruns)

    Thursday

  • 8pm - WWE Smackdown! two hours of world wrestling entertainment
  • 10:00 - local programming

    Saturday

  • to be announced (probably local programming or reruns)

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