You wouldn't think it possible. . . the ability to be two separate people, leading two separate lives, in two separate towns. It is literally a 20 minute drive between 2 lives for me. . . and I am not satisfied with that.

Every morning I get up, and I speed my way through the pleasantries that are expected when you still live with your parents. I throw all my crap for the day into my car, and I drive from Florence to Missoula. Sometimes I go this way, and end up at work; other times I go that way, and make it to my classes at the University of Montana. . . but I am out of sync. I sleep in Florence, and I live in Missoula. In between there is this drive. Often it is a silent one, allowing me to reflect on my daily accomplishments/ failures, or to stress myself out about something trivial.

I am lonely, and it is by my own doing.

I have trapped myself into two lives, and I am not living either fully. I am unhappy, disorganized, and alone. My parents don't understand that I need my space. . . but still need to be loved. (I live there, but I don't spend enough time with my family to have achieved some sort of balance) My friends. . . well, I have a few, but between my schedule and theirs I am beginning to wonder if it isn't more of a hassle then anything any of us can benefit from.

I have a lot of regrets.

All of my friends from highschool are back from school for the break, and they remind me of yet a third life I used to live. Frankly I miss it, and I hate them for reminding me. . . because I wasn't happy in highschool either.

I have a lot of hopes.
I am so tired of being painfully reminded of my past every time I look in a mirror that I have taken up avoiding everything that might remind me of who I am. I have spent so much time avoiding the person that I am, that I have lost sight of the person I could be. (Please note. . .not the person I SHOULD be, mom, not the person you wish I was, dad . . not you. Just the person I have always known was there inside me, waiting to escape.) I can't avoid it any more. . . because I am running out of things to run away from. The monsters I always thought were just behind me are still going to be there if I don't look them in the eye, There will just be more of them.

The day of reckoning has come, finally.

I am making a New Year's resolution early this year (not by much, but early). I don't want to live with regret pounding in that little spot just behind my eyes. Instead I want to face things head on, melt my two lives into one, be happy. I want to love everyone as fully as I can, and I want to be loved for the person I am about to become.

I don't want www.everything2.com to become the only thing that I take with me into a day. . . the only thing that doesn't come with strings attached. I don't want it to become the home that I don't have at home. Not unless you want to become my pseudo-family (you already are).

*sigh*

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