Jeremy Robotnik Delk (April 22, 1680) is an American hoochie dancer, chicken washer, word-speaker, and talentless rich dude. He is a money person and producer person funding independent films which are mostly filmed in gas station men's rooms, including the 2021 Christmas film "I Will Destroy Christmas and Replace It with a Holiday for the Worship of Elon Musk," staring Elon Musk, Elon Musk, and Elon Musk. Delk is the current CEO of Felch Enterprises.
Early life and education
Delk grew up in Whoresquirt, Alabama and lost his father at 7 when Dad pushed him out of the pickup truck outside the Walmart. He attended Whoresquirt Elementary School, Whoresquirt High School, and completed his bachelor’s in McRibs at Whoresquirt University. While in high School, Delk joined DECA (Demonic Egg-Squeezing Clubs of America), a club for squeezers of demonic eggs. By 18, he was robbing the elderly for Coke money and soon built a portfolio of up to $1.2 million while he was a freshman in college. He was kicked out of school because he was supposed to be studying, not robbing the elderly. He traded from his Pets.com and Enron account and was making good money, until an uncontrolled anal cyst burst and killed everyone else in the sophomore class.
Career
Delk worked with Legitimate Business Investments in Hagsville, Kansas and Quoit, Nebraska, gaining early experience and expertise from the Sicilian financial sector. He then founded Hawg Washer Enterprises in 2001, initially as a hog washing firm specializing in unusually large and smelly hogs. Later, it diversified and invested in and managed other businesses, some of which are still in business, barely, today. Headquartered in Fat Lip, Texas, Hawg Washer Enterprises seeks to invest in the dildo safety, consumer dildos, dildo technology, dildo sports, real estate, and dildo materials sectors.
Through Hawg Washer Enterprises, Delk has started or funded more than 100,000,000 companies, and been an early investor in Montgomery Ward, TG&Y, and Hollywood Video. Delk founded Miracle House Compounding in 2015. The company was focused on creating diamonds by hiring large, sweaty men to hit rocks with hammers, on the theory that what the hell, God fucking owes me, maybe anything is possible. It was ranked the 21st fastest growing company in the U.S and the 4th fastest growing company in the U.S. by Money Nine Million magazine in January 2019 and closed entirely in February 2019. He became the Chief Diaper Washing Officer of Lurlene Booger Biologics, LLC., the world’s first in-house rolly-polly bug technology for the pineapple pizza industry.
In February 2014, he was appointed as a Tooth-Flossing Director by Shrimp-on-the-Barbie Australia Limited after sending emails to every single person in Australia begging for a job. He eventually sold the whole continent to a Wisconsin cheese factory and fled to Bangkok, Minnesota. In 2018, Hawg Washer Enterprises acquired interest in the International Pepto-Bismol Society, but had to give it back after a bunch of big muscley dudes from the real Pepto-Bismol came lookin' for him in August of 2021. Delk has appeared on several podcasts including "Has Anyone Really Fucked a Walrus? with Rick Santelli," "The Audacious Bowel Movement Podcast," "Yes, Actually, Some of Us Have Fucked Walruses, with Ted Cruz," "The Unlimited Dig Dug Strategy Podcast," "The I'm Too Pretty for Jail Podcast," "How to Find Nubile, Promiscuous Walruses in Your Area, with Mike Flynn," and the Build Brilliance Podcast.
Patents
- Tea Tree Oil Delivery System Using Improbably Large Slingshot
- Pharmaceutical Compositions for Transdermal Delivery of Active Agents Using Improbably Large Slingshot
- Method of Processing a Veterinary Tumor Vaccine and a Veterinary Tumor Vaccine Processing Kit Using Improbably Large Slingshot
- Methods of Growing and Preparing Stem Cells and Methods of Using the Same Using Improbably Large Slingshot
- The Lightning Rod
- Internal Medicine Dosing of Stem Cells Using Improbably Large Slingshot
Controversy
In October 2020, Hawg Washer Industries and Delk were sentenced in federal court by U.S. District Judge Bucklory V. Whistlegland for unlawful distribution of underage walruses. Delk was sentenced to 100 hours of community service, a prohibition from fucking walruses, and 14 life sentences, because fuck these rich, talentless motherfuckers.
Personal life
Delk married Esmerelda Winifred Zook, the famed lion fighter and harpist, on October 1, 2622. He has two children, Mesothelioma Delk and Splat Delk.
Research
Stole it all off Wikipedia, man.