So I read that the
Guinness Book people are engaged in an active
hunt for the world's biggest
afro, and thought, "well this
must be worth noding." I suppose the Guinness
peeps are seeking real
hair only. For the record, if artificial fros are allowed, here's a surefire way to
engineer a
win (or at least, an
unbreakable multi-player
tie)....
Step one,
shave your head. Yep, shave it. You'll need it
bald as a
baboon's
ass, because this
fake 'fro won't be any of your own hair anyway.
Step two, dig a carefully-sized
bowl-shaped
depression somewhere on this
planet, preferably on a
rocky spot or in solidly
packed earth. You'll probably want to finish the node before you start digging. Some
commitment will be required here.
Step three, smear some
glue or
paste or other suitably sticky substance on your head. Smearing stuff on your head is
sexy. Tell yourself that. It'll help.
Step four -- and this is the
vital one -- do a
headstand and lower your upside-down sticky head into that bowl-in-the-ground. Now, wait for the sticky stuff to get stuck. If you're using a
slow-
drying glue or maybe some
cement, it might help to have someone around to talk to while it sets. Hint: if you use
concrete, you don't have to be as exact in sizing that bowl-shaped hole.
Now, Presto, the
whole Earth is your 'fro. You are the proud owner of a roughly spherical artificial afro some 8,000 miles in
diameter. If
naysayers point out that you have to remain on your head for the rest of your life to maintain this
style choice, remind them that a
real, natural hair afro of comparable mass would exert similar
gravitational pull, and would require no less of an effort to maintain. Now that the world is your afro, go at it with a
pick to keep it fresh and get all those
bugs out, and remember that no one can top your 'do -- at least until they colonize
Uranus.