April 24, 2001

It's extraordinary how things can change within a few hours. One can break a bone, burn a house down, go from happy to depressed, or go from mania to dementia in a matter of moments. It has been a hectic 48 hours, at least since the last installment of the daynode. It scares me how I'm starting to become more and more emotional, and how I depend on these few moments to speak my mind. Repressed issues prevent it all from coming out person to person. I let my mind to allow itself some time to rest.

Yesterday, I went online and started chatting. Dawadeving was still at my house and I saw my ex-girlfriend online. I was online as well and I thought I might as well chat with her. After he left, I went outside for a while and came back inside. I started talking to her for the longest time for about 3 years. Nostalgia supercharged my body and I didn't want to sleep. That combined with the fact that I've been thinking about her lately doesn't really help. I ask how she is and I thought that she would simply say that she was, because it would be the polite thing to say and that was that. But she asked me whether I rather hear the honest or polite answer. That was shocking in every way possible but I couldn't resist knowing what was going on. Then she started going on about her boyfriend, who was my good friend before. I sat here, paying attention to the diction of the words, the way that she was talking, whether it was casual or formal. Weird. As I said before, I think of the weirdest things at the weirdest times.

We talk online for about an hour, about her problems. Then, she started asking about me. I was speechless but slowly, I found the words to tell her about recent developments in life. I was very subtle, at least was trying very hard to be. I guess the fact that someone understood the problems she had made her feel better. In some twisted sense of logic, while I didn't really want to talk about it, the fact that I thought that it made her feel better let me continue on, even while opening fresh wounds. While I do come online often to chat, I rather talk in person or at least on the phone and at that point, it was killing two birds with one stone. A cheap way out, I didn't think she would talk to me on the phone simply because I thought it would be more weird for her than it would be for me, so I told her that if she wanted to know to call my cell phone. To my surprise, she did.

Ring. "Hello...". For the first time in years, I heard her voice, filled with sadness and doubt. It reminded me back in the years past when I hurt her so, when I forced her to leave me. I'm haunted with specters of tears, loud voices, and words that would never ever leave my mind. My first reaction was to ask her what was wrong with her, but she didn't want to talk about it and wanted to know what was wrong with me. I guess that it did make her feel better to at least to concentrate on something else rather than your problems. At least that's what I thought. We were always similar and I hope we still were. So for about an hour, I recollected the events of the past 3 odd years while trying to keep my composure.

Then, I asked her specifically what was wrong with her life. Whatever happens, I have always felt guilty for what I did and wanted to help. I was there to listen to her, even when it was to hear her talk about her boyfriend. We somehow drifted onto the subject of the "incident" and I shuddered. I grew more and more silent and the horrific details flashed back. The pain, the deceit, the loss and the aftermath came back in waves and I fell to my knees. Beep. I get another call. I ask her to wait. It was my good friend but I couldn't talk to her right now. I needed to know some answers so I told her to call me tomorrow. I come back and we started talking again.

We were asking questions that were meant to ask so long ago, getting answers that meant little now. She wanted to know why I did certain things and why I said certain things. Personally, I thought it was simply because I was young, brash and inexperienced. I don't know if she understood but I hope she did. Then I asked her my questions and realized that some of the problems she was having now was simply because she was so used to it from me. She even believed that it was karma but I knew better. I needed to make her feel good again because I care. More importantly, I needed to make her feel good because I still love her now. She told me that I couldn't understand, and that she doesn't understand me. I didn't say anything until I realized my answer.

I explained that, yes, while there have been other women in my life, there has been no one like her. I loved her like no other. I'd loved many women in my young life, but have only been in love once. There was a big difference, one that was very obvious to me. I dreamt about her sometime, and sometimes felt when she was sad. I couldn't do certain activities because it reminded me of her. I found myself comparing other women to her and know that there was no comparison. I told her about how I remember the littlest details simply because it was with her. Most importantly, she was and still is the only woman I would die for and go back to if I had the chance to make the past better. I slowly realized at that point the value of not knowing what you have until its gone. I lost my control over my emotions and started bawling.

After a few moments of silence, I then remembered that nothing I would ever say now will ever change anything. The past is the past and to naively believe that things will okay simply because you believe in idealogies such as destiny and fate is stupid. Once again, I tried to revert back to my role in the beginning of our online conversation where I was simply a listener, not a talker. We talked until about 8:15 in the morning. I was tired for the previous two days due to work and working out. It was a tiring conversation, simply because I knew that I was giving her advice to stay with her boyfriend when I wanted her to be with me. I clenched my fists and often hit my head, hoping to jolt it enough to believe it has been a dream that would have a fairy tale ending where she would tell me that she still loved me and everything would be okay. Before we parted ways, I knew that we wouldn't talk online much or talk again. To me, even though she didn't need me, I wanted her to know that I was there for her. I loved her and still do. I wanted to feel needed. I told her that I was there if she needed me, wherever and whenever. Finally I went to sleep.

I dreamt about her and finally woke up to the ringing of the cell phone. It's her again. She called me back. I thought I was dreaming. No. I wasn't. She was crying. Again, I consoled her, at least I tried to. I tried to be objective but didn't succeed in any sense of the word. Finally, she left for lunch and I was left with a sense of nostalgia once again. Painful nostalgia. I knew then that she wouldn't call again. That just made it that much more painful.

I stayed home until I picked up my sister. Rush hour is evil in Downtown Vancouver. We went grocery shopping and ate out for food. I took a quick nap, and called Dawadeving to come over and play some Elemental Gearbolt and Point Blank 2 for the Playstation. I didn't tell him what happened. He's one of two best friends and I couldn't tell him. Sort of weird when I can reveal this to the world but not to someone in person. I guess its easier that way. Afterwards, he went home and we played a game of Brood War until about 4:30am.

Now I am here. Cross legged on my computer chair and a blanket over my shoulders, I listen to Noriko Sakai and AsOne. Mellow ballads, with themes about love. They're foreign language artists but you can tell from the melody. I even signed up for www.diaryland.com. I didn't go out to my balcony today. I was afraid that I would jump. I haven't felt this much pain from the past and present before. And now I have to deal with it, with limited options and no choices. I found myself praying again, to a celestial being, hoping that he would help. I hope he/she listens. I have lost my way, and need to find my way home. May it be God or Destiny, let me know my path and let me walk it alone. With great sadness, I depart now. I will try to sleep. For each passing moment, the events of the past 24 hours will play in my mind. Again and again. Let me be strong. Let me be wise. Let me sleep in peace...

I'm so tired. I got off of my sleep cycle, going to bed at 4am last night. I got up for work at 8:30 am, so I should be asleep right now, but I am wired. Caffeine, that evil substance.

I was going to rant about work, but I know I should just get over it. Instead, I should be normal, go home at a decent hour from now on, get a hobby, and exercise. Goodness, you would think that lent was just starting, with all of these resolutions. No such luck.

People laugh at me when I tell them it is not yet hot enough for me in Boston. I mean, 85 is not really much of a heat wave. I need some sweating weather. Please! Take me to the beach, take me to Vegas, take me fishing. Just get me away from here!!!! Bleh.

I got three letters in the mail today, which caused great excitement until I realized whom they were from. The first was a simple bank statement, listing all the transactions in my accounts this past month or two. This is nothing special, and I immediately threw it into my pile of semi-important stuff to consider at a later date. The second was a credit card application, which went immediately into the trash. Well, not immediately. I looked at all the pretty designs available for teen credit cards, but then overcame my temptation to get one for the pure aesthetic sense of loveliness. The third letter was the interesting one.

It caught my attention by the name in the return address spot. Mary Bouillion, the chief social worker at the University of Iowa in charge of all EDO patients. I knew her for quite some time. My curiosity was piqued, so I opened the envelope with an open mind, half expecting to find a demand that I return to treatment because they missed me so much. It was just a survey to evaluate the program, asking some vague questions concerning my thoughts on my little vacation down in the lovely state of Iowa during my freshman year. I told the truth. They probably will never send me another survey again.

School was dull.

Work was dull.

While driving home from work, I noticed a lump in the road near the intersection of Lakewood and 152nd. The car in front of me had run over a little kitty cat. I could see it’s eyes, reflecting a bright yellow in my headlights. All I could think of was the poor little girl whose cat was missing, and on her way to school tomorrow morning she’ll find it in the road. I almost cried, and I don’t cry very easily.

When I got home, I took my twelve year old Bean and sat him on my lap for a good long session of quality time. It was good to find him alive and well when I walked through the door. All the attention I was giving Bean made Zoe jealous, so I had to scratch her sagging tummy and give her a treat in order to avoid the high-pitched squealing she considers a meow. Bean sat through all this with the patience of wisdom and the tolerance of years.

Late night noding for fun =]

Will the noder who downvoted my node KANJI: 2410 NICHI JITSU hi please message me and tell me why?

It's been downvoted AGAIN! Please people, WHAT IS WRONG WITH IT?

I could care less about the XP, I'd have been fine with it at 0. But downvoting the node without backing up your reasons is a bit annoying, and that -2 is a bit of a blemish (ironic even, considering there's a kanji node I wrote up before it that got C!'ed and +2). All I need now is nodes.

Yesterday was a dull day in class. Weeks before graduation (YES!! FINALLY!! NO!! ALL MY FRIENDS!!), and things are grinding to a slow pace, eventually a halt, no doubt. Nothing in Chemistry, nothing in AP English, nothing in Physics, nothing (almost) in Pre-Calculus. I guess next year will make up for it, with 3 years of Calculus ahead of me, and 4, maybe 5 years of Japanese =].

Today I found an interesting selection in my AP English book, Literature: An Introduction to Fiction, Poetry, and Drama, 6th Edition. by X. J. Kennedy and Dana Gioia.

There's a section on music, and across a few pages, there's a traditional Scottish song, Run-D.M.C.'s Peter Piper, followed by a short sonnet by William Shakespeare.

Yep, scratching, rapping, and booty-shaking old-skool between the scots and the Bard. Nothing makes for a better text book =].

Calling Your Ex-Girlfriends expecting a nice friendly day together is a bad idea.

I called my -ex today. I've been trying to get ahold of her since Thrusday of last week, just to say "Hi", but I couldn't catch her in, so I thought, and thought, and thought. I ended up dwelling upon the idea of spending a nice day with her, doing something nice and platonic, nothing spooky, or rushed, or anything, just a friendly movie and pizza, or the like.
So today I get ahold of her (I called from work). I ask if she wants to do something tomorrow afternoon or evening.

"I don't think I can, I'm busy. I think I'm going swimming tomorrow."

Swimming!?
Since when do people swim at night?

I know, I know, it's something people do, called and excuse, I'm not stupid.
But that's the point, I'm not stupid (at least, not that stupid). I'm not dumb enough to accept "swimming" as a valid excuse for not doing something with me.

So she goes on to say that she'll be busy untill school gets out, with finals coming up, and the summer coming on soon. That's what really bugs me, she obviously doesn't want to see me, and hasn't for a while (I've been trying to hang out with her for about a month, something always comes up, or I can't get a hold of her... something). She just doesn't want to see me.
So why the hell does she say something like "summer is coming up", which leads me to think that, come summer, she'll spend some time with me.

Why do girls do this shit?
Why does she do this shit?
(As I type this her dorm-mate just logged into AOL-Instant Messanger under her name, my heart jumps at an immense coincidence, and I slap myself for being such a pathetic human being.)

The bottom line is this: I'm not looking to get back together with this girl, I just want to be friends, because she is special, and she makes me feel special, and we have good conversations, and now she doesn't want anything to do with me.
Earlier tonight, I wrote her an e-mail, it basically said:

"I'm getting the distinct impression that you really hate me. If I'm wrong, so be it, please forgive me.
If not, just tell me so, tell me what I did, and tell me to leave you the hell alone alone. Don't think I'm angry, I'm just confused as to how things went from "Friends is better" to "Friends means I'll never call, and don't bother calling me". I'm just worried about losing something good, because I really do like to hang out with you, it's fun."

I asked her just to email me back, just to say "piss off" or "don't be so dramatic".
I doubt I'll get any reply at all.

Here are some of the things I've been writing in my physical daylog (a small black book with blank pages that is always with me):

Sometimes I wake up empty,
Sometimes I wake up flattered.
Sometimes I'm mourning in mid-afternoon,
and when it's the strain of unimaginable weight
it's the bane of my own lonely fate.
The give and take, the loss and gain that love creates.
High stakes and earthquakes.
My world shifts and shakes,
and trembles in fear,
pulling back to hide in a safe warm corner.

I wrote this in peices, and I seem to think that it shows. I don't like to re-write my poems, because I think that it makes them untrue to their nature of being spontaneous. I like them the way they come out of me.

Ice is the name of the game,
chunks, bergs, cubes in my glass,
It's all the same.
The imagery my mind creates with frozen things,
Gravel parking lots and state fairs,
A love so warm it borders on fairy tales.

This is a little thing I wrote this evening. The thing with "ice" is a running joke between Sarah (my -ex) and I, I used to call her an Ice-Princess, because she could be so damn cold and selfish sometimes, and she knew it.
The problem is that now anytime I hear "ice-this" or "ice-that" I think "my Ice-Princess..."

I'll sail away
On bad seas, icy wind, choppy waters
I'll sail away on a mid-autumn afternoon,
When all the leaves have fallen,
and the crisp chilled air whispers warnings of ice storms.
The sails are up,
and I'm on my way out.
The ocean is calling me,
Which is more than I can say for you.
You said it's better to be friends.
Well, I'd prefer and enemy over nothing at all.
Well, I'd take anything over a silent lost lover.
Well, I'd take the ocean over this.

Go ahead and downvote my poetry, you may not like it, but I do, because it's mine.

:-)

Today some dear friends of mine leave...

Today is the big day, the day that has been planned for some months now. Today friends of mine are leaving and did I get to see them? No, but that was my fault. I talked to one of them on the phone for a while, she listened to my life as it was happening at the time, listening and observing. I freaked her out. Things are all wrong at the moment, the slashing of my arms with a serrated knife, the coke, the pot, the nervous breakdowns, the restless nights of 3 hour sleep, insomnia, work. I hope that things go well for them and I'm sure I'll be able to talk to them online as they head on out, as they go on their journey to another state, a journey far away. All I can do is hope for the best for them and try to work on the situation and hole that I'm digging for myself. I seek to online friends to help, they can't. I wish there was someone here that would just fucking hold me in their arms and say everything will be alright and then just lie down next to me as I fell asleep. But its a facade, no one online can do that, I need flesh, I need skin touching skin, I need to feel the persons breath on my skin as they say "goodbye". All I know is that things are really fucked up right now, and then tomorrow is my long time (as in together for a long time) ex's birthday. *frown*

FUCK YOU WORLD!!

When I look at my bedpost, and I see the various chains, cuffs, belts, restraints, straps and everything hanging off of it, I can’t help but ask myself why I still think of all this, why it all holds such fascination for me.

There’s a show on TV called Kink, and it’s an exploration of the bdsm scene, although most of the scenes I’ve watched have focused more on s/m than anything else. In any case, it jogs my memory, quite often.

…

When I first moved to Toronto, about a year ago, I met up with one of my old online buddies from the #femdom channel. We sat, chatted, reminisced older times, and discussed the current state of the scene, as it were.

Even online, when we chatted a few days later, he jokingly introduced me to people as the kid who snuck into the channel when he was fourteen.

It amazes me that I’m still drawn to it, that it’s still under my skin.

…

I forgot what subspace was, I think. I forgot the mindset, the desire to serve, to please, to do anything but be in control, be responsible.

I forgot what it’s like when your back stings, when your breath is forced out of you with a hiss.

I can’t help but wonder if it’s still in me, if I still need it.

It’s not like being bitten by a bug, I don’t think. It’s not a fetish for me, it’s not a kink. It’s a very real, very powerful part of who I am… And I’ve lived the last few years without that part, I think. Without thinking about it, without feeling it, without indulging it.

I think I would like that to change in the near future. I’m not certain. I think I owe it to the sixteen year-old I used to know, though.

Close your eyes,
To see with your Heart.
Close your ears,
To Hear with your Heart.
Forget your mind,
And think with your Heart.

For your Heart will see,
When your eyes fail.
And your Heart will hear,
When the voices are Confused.
Your Heart has the answers,
When your mind falls short.

Remember your Heart,
For it is the Key to Love.
Remember all Love,
For Love is the key to your Soul.
Remember your Soul,
For it is your Foundation.

(Author unknown)

---

Let the past go, look to now
Trust in yourself
Love yourself and the world will love you back
It starts there

for mlony ...

Ever get so frustrated with money that you begin to wonder whether you're paying for the air you breathe? This morning all I could afford was five bucks worth, so I'm holding my breath that the next few weeks work out as planned. Let's cross our fingers that I can get (and keep) my shit together.

Five bucks, five bucks...resisted the urge to get a caramel frappuccino from Starfucks (Yuppie beverages don't really count as coffee, IMHO) once I got downtown, though, I knew the caffeine would not only wake me up since my body thinks I'm insane for being up and about so early, but it would also get rid of the headache that's been plaguing me on and off since yesterday. I imagine that and my lack of energy stems from the fact that I've barely consumed enough calories to even feed Kate Moss over the past week or so. Today I get to fill the tank up..doing lunch with Danny who is cashing my last Xmas gift cash-out check from my family (was supposed to go towards a loft bed). For once my procrastination worked out to my benefit. Wonder if he'll be up for cheap sushi? (Update: Err..No, he says...so Thai it is). (Update to the update: We're doing lunch tomorrow since he's got a conference call at 2:30 and doesn't want to risk being late, and doesn't want to rush lunch with me. I'm heading down to do a quick exchange and we'll lunch tomorrow).

Met up with Obi, 10 minutes late. He was sporting a short hair cut, looked cute (and unrecognizable) in a red helmet parked on a spiffy little red moped which I didn't even know he owned. Apparently, he didn't have the keys to get in to show me one of the dogs I was going to help him walk, and the other they didn't take care of today, so I crawled out of bed early for nothing. Well, not entirely true. I'm up and about, and can accomplish lots in normal people hours. I'm probably going to crash at his place tonight to get the tour of the doggies early on tomorrow, since I *know* I'm incapable of making it anywhere at 9AM unless I've been up all night, and I won't survive to even see the sunrise tonight..err..in the morning. Trekked back to the subway, spent a buck on 2 oranges and the old man flirted with me while giving me my change from his wad. I was cute, I must admit..sporting the black dress that has become my uniform, and black cowboy boots with white stitching that my aunt donated to my eclectic fashion cause. Neat looking, yes. Comfy, yeah, until I was crawling back to my house feeling like I was walking on glass after only an hour out. They're well broken in, but my aunt's feet are narrower than mine. Mostly tight around the toes, but perhaps these boots and I can become friends.

Four bucks, three of which get spent adding money to my Metrocard when the machine laughed at my attempt to pay with an ATM card. Well, it worked the other day, much to my pleasant surprise considering I haven't put any money into the bank in a long time. I'm afraid to check the balance at this point.

My last dollar went to two guys that were giving out food out on the train to hungry people. Their speech was one of the absolute best I've heard, and while everyone else stared ahead, eyes glazed in that cool cityfolk way, a smile grew on my face. There were the normal elements about how you don't have to be homeless to be hungry, a point I now understand. I fingered the dollar in my bag, thought about karma, as always...but I was sold when he talked about how he and his brother had been homeless 12 years ago and that's why they were doing this, and they were also inspired because they had found God and they truly believed and felt inspired by their faith. The non-denominational religious speech that followed cut to the heart of the matter, though, and lifted my heart. One of the men talked about how if people truly believed in God, they wouldn't look down upon the needy. He'd seen homeless people kicked and abused on the ground that they sleep on. We were sitting in the very seats he used to call a bed. People of God would not look down on those who didn't have material possessions. Those who truly believed in God would love their fellow man, above all else.

His speech was much more influential and moving than I'm capable of relating to you right now, but with all the preaching on the meaning of love I gave my roommate yesterday, my heart was open and my dollar was his.

The day goes on, my toenails are now painted a sparkly green, and I have just enough time to get this noded and head back downtown. Have to start boxing up the stuff in my room yet again. This comes at a time when I'm evaluating which of my collection is really important to me. In a glance I can't bear to part with any of it, but it weighs me down. I've always admired people who travel light, and I wonder whether I'll be able to part with any of it. Everything I own has a story and oftentimes a person behind it. The memories will still be there, but I wonder if my cheesebrain will be able to bring those out of storage if there's no physical reminder. I want my own place sometime within the next year and my "stuff" will fill it just nicely. Will my desire to be a minimalist win? And is it really even neccessary? Time will tell.

And as my wind-up smiley face clock ticks away, it tells me time is something I shouldn't take for granted right now. I journey on...

An aside, I made level 4 yesterday. w00t!

Last night, I was a planet hurling through the vast expanses of space. I saw stars all around me, so impossibly far away...

    what are those distant places like?

Around me, a moon orbited. Foolish thing. What was it doing here, out in the cold darkness, and why was it circling me? I don't recall when I first became aware of its presence.

around
  and around
    and around, it went

It filled me with a sense of both nausea and comfort. I wasn't alone out here.

I was a planet, with a moon.

or maybe i was just a bored, hopelessly inebriated, lost boy who was laying in the middle of a park at an ungodly hour of the night, staring at the sky, watching with bemused fascination as a jogger -- who for some inexplicable reason was carrying a hockey stick -- ran laps around him.

I felt like a planet, anyway.

Very productive day at work - although little noding. Last night - a very intellectual therapy session, my very very first easy one ever with this woman. How refreshing. And then, giving a ride to my daughter, having dinner (peanut butter - super crunch! on pesto-something bread) with her. Going to leave - car wouldn't start. Why? Cause I ran out of gas, why else? Piece of shit Neon. Gas gauge is broken. Has been, for years.

In too much of a hurry, missed my train, so was late for therapy, couldn't even stop home to feed my dog, poor baby! So long story short, car is still at her house, with at least 2 gallons of gas. So I'm driving the old car, with an exhaust problem, so it sounds like a Harley.

Anyway - I'm definitely going to the beach burn with anomaly and knarph will be there, so I'll get to meet him again and say "oh yeah, I remember you!" and I don't know who else is going, but it will be fun!

I feel that I need to voice my opinioninion. I'm very sickened by what is happening in Israel and particularly by the way that media describes it.

I'm not quite sure whether Palestinian people do have a claim to Israeli land or not, and that's not the point. The point is, that like in any conflict there are mo re then one side and more then one opinion. For years, palestinians have harrased Israeli population. Remember the bombs in Tel-aviv, Haifa and Jerusalem (kids were murdered too jansonm). Israel is very small.About 5 million poeple total. Yet I'm sure a huge percentage of people must serve in the army. Small landwise too. I once travelled through it's widest point in about 7 hours. Look at the damn map. Find Israel. Chances are the word "Israel" will be bigger the then actu al land.

I try not to follow world events. As far as I know the latest (few months ago) outbreak of violence was caused by one of the Israeli officials walking up some holly Ar ab mountain. From what I've read that particular place is only mentioned in Koran once and very vaguely too. So why go crazy about it? Is it simply an excuse for mor e violence?

Another thing is Israel's portrayal in the news. Lately whenever I hear "Israel" and "Palestine" mentioned in one sentence is seems like there's a picture of an Israeli soldier with an M-16 and poor defenseless mob of palestinians. I mean come on people! Be at least a bit objective! For years palestinians have been t errorizing Israel with their suicide attacks. I remember I forgot a backpack at school once and a damn bombsquad was almost called on my ass. I live in Canada now, but I'm still warry and avoid unknown objects on the ground. I've seen bags being shot by the robot to check for explosives. I lived in Rehovot, that's about 20km from Tel-aviv where people died. My uncle has been wounded numerous times in Gaza for god's sake! What's the deal with portraying Palestinians as poor helpless people? T hey have their share of evil in this. And recently I heard that Bush (or someone from the office) reprimanded Israel for their actions. Reprimanded! What the hell! How the hell do you reprimand a country! And this, after every efort of Barak to appease palestinians? Why?

---

This rant was in response to jasonm's write up above. This is in no way a personal attack.

I just got back from helping in my son's 4th grade class. I garden. I love to garden. My son's teacher asked if I would help the kids put in a small garden outside the classroom, so of course I said yes. It has been a wonderful experience.

We decided to do a Native American Three Sisters garden, which consists of corn, beans, and squash, with sunflowers grown also. I told the kids about the legend of the three sisters, and explained how the three plants grown help each other like the three sisters in the legend did. I talked about companion planting and organic gardening and natural pest control in the garden. The kids ate this stuff up. They loved it! Then they each were assigned an area and they had to plan what to plant and diagram it. We traipsed outside and planted seeds.

One exciting thing about this whole experience is that the kids actually used some of the knowledge they are gaining in school. We talked about ecosystems when discussing companion planting. We used geometry to plan the gardens out. They are documenting the planting of the garden. In about 30 days we will harvest some of our plants and have a class salad consisting of lettuce, radishes, onions, and peas that we grew. The corn, beans, squash, and herbs will grow throughout the summer and the kids can check on it. I liked this day a lot.

Finals are over!!! Hurrah!

I was up really late last night sweating over my Art History Final -- I even ended up noding Wassily Kandinsky because I had Dada and Surrealism and German Expressionism on the brain and there wasn't any other way to get it out.

The format of the art history final is that during the two-hour course of the final, you write up one long ugly Essay. Now, in order to seem to be nice but really be TRULY SATANIC, my Art History gives us five essay questions beforehand. One of them (we don't know which one) will be the essay question. So because we have all the questions ahead of time and are allowed to bring in a 3x5 notecard into the final, we have to be really super prepared -- with artworks, names, and dates, that sort of thing. Which means that I took about 3 hours on 4 questions, for a total of twelve hours of studying. I was so braindead. I simply couldn't force myself to prepare for that last question, so merely counted on luck.

Can we say, "Bad idea!"?

Of COURSE I ended up having to write on that last question. It wasn't too bad, though, but I don't anticipate getting more than a B, as I couldn't remember the artists or dates on half the works I cited. I would have to be a comprehensive question, too.

But finals are over, and that's the important thing.

RambleBabble calms herself.

I got a letter from my Mormon Missionary Brother. He's doing well, and I really love to get letters from him. He's only a year and a half older than I am and we've always been really close -- I miss him intensely. He was pleased to get the letter I sent him and the pictures, as well, so I'm glad I helped make one of his days a little better. He's serving in Quebec and not having too much luck, so sometimes it's a little upsetting for him.

He wrote about his companion, Elder Toriki, losing his shoes in the snow-slush on top of this frozen lake. It was a really funny story -- and in some lake in Quebec, there are a pair of loafers for the fish to feed on.

Ramblebabble cracks her knuckles.

Alright. It's time to get down to packing. I have two days left here at BYU and then it's home sweet home for me! Hurrah! I won't have as much time to node and waste time, but that's a sacrifice I'm willing to make.

Well I feel pretty good today, today in English class I totally smacked the class smart ass upside the head today while the questions portion of my oral report for my senior paper.

He asked something about "are AI's going to be as smart as normal humans or are going to be dumber"...
Three part answer: First, AI hasn't been developed yet, so we really don't know. Second, It really depends on the programmers ability. And third, If you would have been listening to my report, you would have known those answers.
Any other questions smartass?

Oh well enough bitching about my day
Biggs out

WHITE HOT BIKE SEX ON BLACK STEEL WHEELS!

So, my proclamations of yesterday that the new tires were an improvement was understatement. They perform more like the high-pressure tires on a road bike, meaning that they bleed off of peak operating pressure pretty quickly. When I checked the pressure this morning, they had dropped down to 85 psi. I got out the pump and jacked them back up to 115psi

What a difference a day makes! At the higher pressure, the bike runs like a roadie, cuts and jumps like a mountain bike. The gain in efficiency was so great, I could keep the bike up in its top two gears, as opposed to 3rd or fourth from the top of the rear cassette. Amazing, old shadowfax runs like a scalded dog now. I must have been doing a solid 25 miles a hour the whole way in! I found myself so elated with the speed, feeling so dialed in that I rode the commute like a time trial, tickling my anaerobic threshold the entire way in, heart rate hammering up in the 130's, legs burning... it was as pure a moment of machine love as I have felt in some time. I made love to the bike making love to the road making love to every car along my way. I bunny hopped the curb, potholes, split the difference between a fat-ass fascist SUV and a garbage truck. It was magnificent.

The rest of the day is an anti-climax after something like that. People were asking me what I was so fucking happy about. I told them that my ride in was white hot bike sex on black steel wheels.

Today she left without saying goodbye. Thats all I wanted. One goodbye. I guess it was best. I will miss her. We had our kicks together and other things. We laughed with one another every time we were together. I did not love her. I did feel for her. She was the best friend I had. She did many things for me. My whole social life has now died that she is gone. I never went anywhere until I met her. and now she is gone.

If you read this here is the deed to my laugh

Other than that today was a pretty much okay day. My dog ate my cigarrettes and I fell off the roof.

I need a shoulder to cry on. My life is so shitty right now. I can't even go to school for fear that I will literally be killed. I have nothing worth while in my life so just fuck it all. Why has my life been so bad lately. Maybe its just my hormones I dunno. whatever it is I wish it would stop.

Nobody talks to me anymore. I want to tell my lifes story to someone....anyone that will listen.Yet nobody will listen to me

Well, I turned 38 today. My kids actually let me sleep in, which must have been akin to pulling teeth with string cheese, but I certainly appreciated it. My birthday cake had a large toy screwdriver in it, an inside joke going back years, when my wife was so pissed off at me she jammed an electric screwdriver in my cake (don't even remember why, but I'm sure she does, hehehe). Thanks to bigmouth_strikes for the birthday greeting, even beat out my wife and kids.

Well, time to go change the age on the homenode...

There are two times during the year when working for a video game company sucks. One time is the last month before E³, the other is the last month before you ship your game. The show is actually less than a month away and work is hell right now. I'm on a 7 day a week schedule until E³. For the uninitiated E³ is the big trade show for the game industry. It's where we strut our stuff. This year it's May 17^th through May 19^th, if I'm not mistaken. And it takes place in LA.

I had a dentist appointment this morning. I finally got rid of all of my mercury fillings. I took the day off from work because it didn't make sense to go to work for only three hours.

I met up with Sara, Ann and CR at 4pm. It was the first time I seen Sara since she wrote me the "Let's just be friends" letter. I think everything's going to work out ok though. She gave me a really long hug when we met today, and there wasn't any awkwardness between us when we talked and did things.

We went to the beach for about two hours, then back to my place to go rollerblading for about an hour. We were trying to decide where to eat, but Sara was broke and decided to go home and study. The rest of us went over to Ann's apartment and had macaroni and cheese. I fell asleep on the floor, but eventually woke up and went home.

It was a good day. I'm glad to see Sara again, and I'm glad everything's cool between us.