One of the worst things about life is the slovenly eating habits of my cohorts. So many times I will be lost in blissful thought and some guy will interrupt it with the cacophonous sounds of a slob in feeding. Or I'll be in a nice restaurant and have my concentration on the flavors obstructed by a heathen. What follows are some of the most disruptive eating behaviors of typical Americans. (Don't even get me started about Asians.)

The disturbing clamor when utensil meets dish.

Nothing's worse than a diner who perpetually clangs his fork or knife into his plate. You're basically forced to stop thinking until he finishes. The only saving grace is that such a slob will practically swallow his food whole, so it may only take a few minutes.

The disturbing clamor when utensil meets teeth.

Usually this is the same guy as before. You hear a loud scraping sound as the Neanderthal bites the fork aggressively and and pulls it roughly out of his mouth. There's a place in the law for justifiable homicide.


Chew with your mouth closed--what a concept. Some people don't quite get it. They'll chew with their mouth closed for a little bit. But because they have so much in their mouth, and because they're so oblivious to table manners, every few seconds you will hear the loud smack. Some people even like to do this even when they've swallowed their food. Oh, to reminisce loudly about the taste of your food so nobody can read.


We're not Orientals. If it's too hot, let it cool off man.

Bringing a whole loaf of bread to the mouth

Some people don't seem to get it. The mini-baguette in the bread basket is not a piece of pizza. You're supposed to tear it into bite-sized pieces. But instead, the clueless oaf will eat the entire thing bite by bite. Visually it's a scene from hell. Here's a clue: your teeth are not a knife.

Then you have the related problem that the guy won't ever put the loaf down. he just holds it there above the table. I've even seen some slobs hold the loaf under the table. DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT'S A GOOD IDEA? UGH. Put your food down. Put your fork down. Get some sense people.