my cute summer coworker had a boyfriend in italy. we went out all the time. to dinner, to bars, to lunch everyday. i started to like her. i have low self confidence. she had three female roommates, all of whom were cute. her parents are rich. she seemed to like me, i don't know why. i told myself that she had a boyfriend and that i would just get hurt. i'm afraid of being hurt.

we had a couple of weeks of work together left. she invited me to be her roommate's companion to the march of the penguins. i accepted. i didn't know if it was a date or not. i don't understand these things. i figured i needed practice being around people.

the march of the penguins was very good. her roommate invited me back up to her apartment and so i went. her other chubby roommate was there. i don't understand these things. we all drank tequilla and i did her roommate's oxycontin.

we went to a bar together. i don't know what to do in a bar with two girls, one of whom might be my date. so i left without telling anybody. i took a taxi home and masturbated. she called and asked what happened. i said i had food poisoning. she seemed very concerned and caring and made me call her the next day. i did.

through the coworker i invited the girl i ditched to a law firm gathering. the coworker said she asked, and her roommate was too busy.

the last day we worked together, all of us went out for tapas and sangria. i am extremely competent when i'm drunk. other people are easier to understand. the cute coworker went to pee. i asked and the roommate said the coworker never told her about my invitation, and she'd love to go. she and the second chubby roommate went to have a secret chat.

the coworker came back. she said she thought we would be better friends if we weren't coworkers, didn't i? i said yeah. i don't know what she meant, i don't understand these things.

i never talked to them again. did they invite me out because they thought i was a loser? or did they feel like i rejected them? it makes no difference. my pride wasn't wounded. if i must, i may enter a fantasy world in which i was too good for them. indeed i'm too good for everyone. i've only been rejected once--when i was 16. i don't do much rejecting.

it was ten years ago, the high school rejection. since then i don't date, i just have sex with random people. i am a giant callous. i used to be a kind person.

nobody would suspect these things. maybe they would. who knows. i'm just waiting for my break. my break never comes. maybe because i'm fat and ugly. maybe because i'm unapproachable. maybe because i'm crazy.