condom - Protection against viruses and prevention of child processes
condom options processid
condom provides protection against System Transmitted Viruses (STVs)
that may invade your system. Although the spread of such viruses across a
network can only be abated by aware and cautious users, condom is
the only highly-effective means of preventing viruses from entering your
system (see celibacy(1)). Any data passed to condom
by the protected process will be blocked, as specified by the value of
the -s option (see OPTIONS below). condom is known to defend against
the following viruses and other malicious afflictions...
Herpes Simplex (genital varieties)
When used alone or in conjunction with pill(1), sponge(1),
foam(1), and/or setiud(3), condom also prevents the
conception of a child process. If invoked from within a synchronous process,
condom has, by default, an 80% chance of preventing the external processes from becoming parent processes (see the -s option below). When
other process contraceptives are used, the chance of preventing a
child process from being forked becomes much greater. See pill(1),
sponge(1), foam(1), and setiud(3) for more information.
If no options are given, the current user's login process (as determined by
the environment variable USER) is protected with a Trojan
condom without a reservoir tip. The optional `processid' argument is an
integer specifying the process to protect.
Note: condom may only be used with a hard disk. condom
will terminate abnormally with exit code -1 if used with a floppy disk
(see DIAGNOSTICS below).
The following options may be given to condom...
-b BRAND BRANDs are as follows...
-m MATERIAL The valid MATERIALs are...
membrane --Warning! The membrane option is not endorsed
by the System Administrator General as an effective barrier against certain
viruses. It is supported only for the sake of tradition.
-f FLAVOR The following FLAVORs are currently supported...
-r Toggle reservoir tip (default is no reservoir tip)
STRENGTH is an integer between 20 and 100 specifying the resilience of
condom against data passed to condom by the protected
process. Using a larger value of STRENGTH increases condom's
protective abilities, but also reduces interprocess communication. A smaller
value of STRENGTH increases interprocess communication, but also increases
the likelihood of a security breach. An extremely vigorous process or one
passing an enormous amount of data to condom will increase the
chance of condom's failure. The default STRENGTH is 80%.
-t TEXTURE Valid TEXTUREs are...
lubricated (provides smoother interaction between processes)
Warning: The use of an external application to condom in order
to reduce friction between processes has been proven in benchmark tests
to decrease condom's strength factor! If execution speed is
important to your process, use the `-t lubricated' option.
condom terminates with one of the following exit codes...
-1 An attempt was made to use condom on a floppy disk.
0 condom exited successfully (no data was passed to the
1 condom failed and data was allowed through. The danger of
transmission of an STV or the forking of a child process is inversely
proportional to the number of other protections employed and is
directly proportional to the ages of the processes involved.
condom is NOT 100% effective at preventing a child process from
being forked or at deterring the invasion of a virus (although the
System Administrator General has deemed that condom is the
most effective means of preventing the spread of system
transmitted viruses). See celibacy(1) for information
on a 100% effective program for preventing these problems.
Remember... the use of sex(1) and other related routines
should only occur between mature, consenting processes. If you must
use sex(1), please employ condom to protect your
process and your synchronous process. If we are all responsible,
we can stop the spread of STVs.
foam(1), and setiud(3)
Need help? firstname.lastname@example.org