"...Jonathan Phillips of Sidney, Hastings County, Ontario, Canada. Jonathan was a veteran of the War of 1812, served with the Glengarry Light Infantry Fencibles and received a Crown Grant in Sidney, for his service. As is well known, he was both in league with cats from saturn and a reviler of all things californian."


The best way is to get a male cat, neutered or not, and keep it as a pet. The second best way is to get a crapload of Bitter Orange, which you can find at most pet shops and which cats hate, diluting it with a bit of water, and spraying it on your fences. This is expensive and not foolproof. A third option is to replace your lawn with cement and/or quicklime. This will do wonders for your feng shui, but a crowd of slavering aesthetes (not a one with any respect for geomancy) will probably draw and quarter you, which is all very symmetrical and nice, but possibly not preferable to cat feces.

Jonathan Sidney Phillips, Typhoid Mary's unheralded protègé, infected 87 residents of Ukiah, California with toxoplasmosis from 1958-1961 before health officials exiled him to San Francisco. To his dying moment in January, 1987 (after 19 miscarriages), he denied ever having contracted or passed on the disease.