It's interesting to look back at your own life later.
Patterns do emerge.
It is practically impossible to spot any individual behavioral pattern in your own self while you are in the "loop", but it becomes more and more easy as elements around you change and the need for any certain behavior decreases and later becomes obsolete.
What brings me to these thoughts is the fact I have been unwilling to accept the thought I need medication.
For over four years I would take pills for a month and figure "I'm healed!" as the symptoms of my disease ceased.
This continued and continued until something brought me to a stopping point: My life had changed in a whole other way that I had never come to think of before. I had rather good reconnassaince of what had happened during those years, but had never stopped to really look back. Even if I did stop, I would stop to look way too back and miss the obvious.
Dumbass, I was.
What happened after time after time was I stopped taking my medication. I'd figure I was healed. I didn't need it anymore. I would for a week or maybe two live in a completely "fixed" state in which I somehow didn't need any medication This of course not due to the fact how long the stuff stays in your body. It was just simply a miracle.
But as time passed, I would indeniably, time after time, be back to my oh so familiar goddamn starting point: I was sick and needed my medication, because I was going crazy. This of course did not "remove" the earlier miracle: The miracle had just ceased to exist and needed to be renewed.
Back then no starting point existed for me - it would be just yet another faint moment, in which I realized I was not healed yet or not permanently, but I would be. Next week! Or the week after that!
What disease was this? Yes, of course a life-long one, for which no cures exist and which runs in the family. But still, I was not one who was seriously sick, I was someone completely unlike the rest.
I had to have my hopes up. That was simply because "I wasn't sick and still am not. I'm sooo special." I wasn't. Honestly. I figured I was one of them good guys who would never get any disease. Nobody needed to tell me I was "sick", because I knew I was - I was "sick", but that was just just simply because I hadn't managed to "fix" myself yet. For fuck's sake, people tried telling me, but no, would I listen: "You are sick just like the rest of us" Of course I wasn't, because I was ME. It's so fucking annoying to notice any similarity between yourself and an insurance company ad: "It could happen to you, because you are just like me."
If you have an illness running in your family and you live with some sense in your head AND you have any usual medication for it, just accept it: You are sick and you are medicated, thus you are fine. Thank god for Western medication. Worry not. That's all. You can leave it behind, as long as you comprehend the fact it is a part of who you are. For those wondering, you are not going to just suddenly become fixed if the bottle doesn't say it does miracles, because that is just not how people and medication work.
This is a sad yet a very delightening moment to write this, because I finally come to face the facts: I was wrong. I was wrong. I was so wrong, I could bang my head against a wall now to take it all away. I probably wouldn't want to do that though, because I was so sure I was right, I'd probably end up trying this all one day or another anyway.
Leave that all behind, this is, however, also a very refreshing and new time for me. I'm happy, because I know now, that I don't need to worry: Many people are sick. Seek support. It helps. Now I'm happy and I'd like to share it somehow. I would send roses to Jesus if he was alive.
If you feel this applies to you, maybe it does. Though, if it does, maybe you will just ignore this just like any other thought you would, if you feel it doesn't concern you. Because you are not like that. Nobody is.
Then again, there is a chance you are just in the same place I was not too long ago. Don't ignore that chance, because this chance to jump out of the loop may be the only one you got before it all starts all over again.