Oddly, this cervix
functioned well enough when it was the gateway for two children
. Now that I am done having babies and I am alone in my body
, I am found to be "abnormal
" (or at least the pap was at any rate.)
I don't mean to be alarmist but the last Pap smear I had was four years ago and that one was abnormal as well. I did not go back because I did not trust the doctor, then because I had no insurance, then because I was pregnant and determined to have the baby at home and did not want any negative interpretation to interfere. Once the babies were born I decided to check things out, and again things were suspicious. I know that I create my own reality, but why this?
In doing some research (which I started the first time things were abnormal) I find that women harbor negative sexual associations and unresolved family conflict in their pelvic regions...BAM. Is it there because this is truth, or because I feel unworthy of health in my womanly organs? It is true that some part of me feels yucky.
There is a manifestation of bad thought in my girlie region. I don't even have a comfortable word for this part of my body. Pussy is crude - like greasy hoodlums calling after me in a dark ally. Cunt is an atrocity, politically charged, stark, implying a personality defect. Box is too funny to be erotic. Hunnypot - lesbian movie fodder. Vagina is clinical, a word to use while trying not to laugh, far removed from anything hinting of erotic, vaguely whiney. Vulva does not offend me, but I need more than a word that is simply inoffensive. Also, it sounds like a car.
I can use these words, but none of them seem connected with my sexuality. For me they are devoid of erotic content. This means that when I want to convey my needs to someone else, or write about them to myself, I do not have comfortable words. When the uncomfortable words are all I have and I won't use them because I don't like them, then I can not express myself and things build up. I need a word that conveys the erotic/spiritual beauty that is the gateway of the female organ. Where can I find this? Incidentally, I have been told about "yoni" and that didn't really do it for me. It makes me think of "Yanni" and then I just laugh.
It occurs to me that it may not be the words that make me uncomfortable - just the associations. I am somehow assuming that all words pertaining to a woman's genitals are really personal attacks, personality assessments or sterilized concepts designed to keep women unaware of their power. These are words that men give to women and this “part” that makes us irresistible but scary, as if they were to reveal the real word in the beginning we would rise up and overthrow them.
Maybe I am onto something and all these other words are just a way to disarm us collectively, throw us off balance, and leave us looking for words instead of real power. One can not conjure a force one does not have the proper name for. I want to know the name!!!! It's not that I think men are holding out on us - if you were to ask them they wouldn't know either. The knowledge has been lost and is waiting to be found again. The name is waiting for lips to speak it (har har har) and is probably hidden in a cave somewhere (ba dum dum tssss.) Please help me with this quest. Just as I suspected there is power in the birth process (and I was right) I also suspect there is a great energy in names. I feel that we, as women, lose an important and powerful thing when we stretch a thin word over an awesome area.
If you have a cave near you, please look in it and get back to me.