I was in Michigan for a wedding. I saw my family all dressed up for the first time ever and realized there is another dimension to some of them.

I saw my mom for the first time in almost three years. We were in the church and the ceremony had just ended but when she kissed me I could smell the vodka. The hallway was really crowded and I was feeling claustrophobic then realized I was about to get edged off into coatroom. I stood my ground and did not back up even though I could’ve used the room. I was holding Katie who was a little freaked out because she had never met most of the people there and they were all crowded around her and being very familiar. My mom said “Oh look, she’s so big.” (Funny how that happens WHEN YOU HAVE NEVER SEEN HER BEFORE). I moved out of the way and motioned toward Laurah who was holding Miles and I said, “This is my son, Miles.” To this my mother relied, “Oh yeah, I forgot. There is another one.”

I just kept thinking I could strangle her with the stupid gold tone sparkly 80's belt she was wearing (really, the dress was not bad, but it was like she had to add the belt just to make herself look dumb). I fantasized that a big bird with sharp talons would swoop down, scoop her up and line its nest with her. Then, when she tried so hard to talk to me and pick Katie up I could see that she was really hurt by my avoidance and refusal to make eye contact. I started that guilt trip thing and I almost feel bad. How can one person be so icky, insensitive, pathetic and my mother at the same time?

There was an open bar at 6:00pm and I watched the men in my family synchronize their watches and then make a beeline for the booze at EXACTLY 6:00. Some of them came back with three drinks in hand. Fortunately the name cards made it easy to keep track, as they would line up the drinks and place the cards across the tops of the glasses, thereby avoiding the common mistake of "accidentally" drinking someone else's hooch.

There were a few really weird, almost surreal moments of the night. My Mom and Dad joined Laurah and I on the dance floor, where my father IN A SUIT, WITHOUT A HAT actually danced to "We Are Family". I danced with Miles in the sling and Katie on my hip and my Aunt Diane said, loud enough for my mom to hear, "You are SuperMom!" My mother tried to pick up Katie but she would not go for it.

At one point all my aunts crowded around me in the ladies room as I nursed, saying things like, "Wow. He just gets his milk from you? How does that work? Are you going to just keep doing that?" They have all had children too.

All in all it was not that bad. I only had to use my Rescue Remedy twice, but it was effective each time. My family seemed impressed to no end by my vehicle. Sad when a '93 Dodge Caravan means I am more legitimate.