Two and half years together. High school sweethearts. Three proms together. We even lasted through both hers and my first year of college, though the distance wasn't large.
And now? nothing. no one. no where. And now i'm left wondering, was i living my life for myself or for her or for us? I don't know. I don't know anything anymore. How can i be sure of anything, internal or external, when the cornerstone of it all, was her? how can i believe in anything when all that i knew of god, of love, was her?
I need something, someone to hold on to. My friends, my family, my friends' family, they'd provide me with anything i'd ask. I smile and laugh, and talk about things, but I'm not there. I'm in the Bahamas with her. I'm on that beach where I picked out our star with her. I'm hearing her laugh, seeing her smile, and knowing it's not for me. it's not for me any more.
It's amazing what you take for granted in your life when someone tears a part of it right out of you. I can't begin to express how much I thank god for all the people I know now. Without them, I don't know where I'd be right now.
Yes, I know now that people like her and I, we can't just part and never speak again. "We left on good terms," is i guess what she'd say. I would like to be her friend. But I can't say now whether my motivation is to keep her near me, pathetically preserving some hope that should just die, or a genuine desire to keep a dear, dear friend from losing touch forever? Do I just put out the fire in my heart for her, forget why I loved her, and watch the good memories fade away with the bad, like I always do? I feel like what us two shared was beyond that. it deserves more than that.
"Us two." *sigh* I really felt like this was it. As young as we me and her are (20), I can't tell you how many times I said to myself "She's the one" and "This is the woman I can grow old with". I never wanted to get married or have kids until I met her; I never understood. But then I did. I wanted, someday, for our love to be solidified like that, and then to take our love together, and actually create a being, half her, half me, and love it more than we love each other, together. Together.
And now? nothing. now i'm nothing.
Or am I? Now is the time when I find out who I am, and she finds out who she is. I don't know and probably will never know if she did what was right, but I respect her. I think. I hope. I hope alot of things. I hope she's o.k., forever and ever, in perfect happiness. And i can only hope the best for myself, as well.
And now? Now... well, if I think about it... I guess, anything.