No, I didn't read the write-up.
Happy Beltane, for what it's worth.
Rebirth, fertility, yadda, yadda. I wish I felt it, I wish I felt the usual optimism the first of May brings me. I wish I had that *twang* of twidderpation everyone is rejoicing in right now. Hell, even my roommate has decided to pursue an old love interest from his past. And it's working! (slight hint of incredulousness) I'm happy for him, I am honestly am.
Um, the days are getting harder, as I knew they would. As soon as the wear-and-tear of literally throwing myself into work, well, wore off.
My brother's coming up for a convention May 6th. Man, I NEED family right now. They tell you like it is and when you fucked up. They also tell you it's going to be okay, that it'll work it's own kinks out. That stuff is at least good to hear. Then they tell you that you owe 'em money, and that's okay too.
I'm trying so hard to do all of those things I said I would do, I'm trying to lay the groundwork. But my heart isn't in it, not like it should be, and I fend off the little rainclouds just on the edges of my days. The whole thing sucks, let's just face it.
I know it sucks, because I don't have the strength to fight it off at night. Dream after dream I chase after something, someone, only to realize that even when I've caught them, I end up with arms full of air. There are some dreams that make me feel warm and relieved. The ones that let me let down my guard. The ones that make this reality feel like a horrible nightmare that I only have to jerk myself awake in order to escape. Only then, I realize it is quite the other way around. I can't believe I'm even having any of these dreams to begin with.....Ah. I hate that false hope that comes moments before the alarm goes off at five a.m.
Poppy Z. Brite almost got it right, except it's 5 a.m. that knows all of my secrets. And she had better keep a lid on 'em.
Oh God, this hurts. I keep trying everything I can to make it stop. I tried being loving, understanding, allowing.....and as the moments passed, I lost even more pieces of myself because I wasn't acting like I was worth anything. That I was worth standing up for. And I honestly believed it for so long. I had to watch, make myself, as the prescious little sand I had left sifted through my fingers and got spread out on the winds.
All my ego has been non-existant for so long, I'm just figuring out what it is that makes me, and where my breaking point is. And I found it. By golly, I fuckin' found it.
My mind, immediately shot down as not being smart enough. My body almost completely interchangeable with anyone else's at any given time. And now my heart finally not big enough, even though it had been scraped clean with a melon baller and was bountiful enough for a feast. Point blank, Kir, YOU ARE NOT ENOUGH!
What the hell is a person supposed to do when faced with the things I have faced, I ask you that? I've turned a brave face whenever I could, even when it killed with the effort. I turned my back and shielded my eyes from shared moments that in all reality, SHOULD HAVE BEEN MINE, but weren't. And I accepted them. Why, I couldn't tell you. Because maybe some part of me said that this too was just part of those dreams I can't wake up from anymore.
And I'm the one who should tread carefully. I'm the one trying to subvert everything.....and I can't even fathom the fuckin' unfairness of it all, so I push it farther and farther down........when I'm fucking dying! I've gotten to the point where I want nothing, want no one, and I DON"T WANT TO BE HERE ANYMORE. No one hears me, no one takes what I fuckin' feel seriously, so I act like I STILL DON"T MATTER. Don't mind me, I'm some chipped marble queen that's already been captured in this twisted little chess game. Sculpt a new and better one, you fuckin' lunatics, and fast before someone gets YOUR KING! I could give a flying fuck if you all get captured and get thrown to the side of the board, heavy, useless. I'm just another piece, and guess what, so are all of you.
But this wasn't a game to me. The ridiculous actions taken, and how I wish I had always taken the high road, have made this a mockery! I am done. I am hurt to the point of biting, kicking, screaming. I am SO ANGRY....particuliarily when I had the ideas, the need, the absolute want to work anything out....but could never be taken seriously.
I am at the very edge of of just toppling over. The calm is OVER, and I don't care WHERE I fall. I am undone. I want to take what tiny, miniscule piece I have left of myself and close it off, protect it from even the damage I can do to it myself. I can't breathe, I don't even have enough air to choke on. I am so empty.....I don't even have enough of me left to feel lonely. And you know what's funny, I KNOW I brought a lot of this on myself. It no longer matters a whit to me what happens because I HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE. I have lost it all.
Do you understand me now?