He's being so stoic about my leaving. He doesn't care, he doesn't want me, he doesn't need me. That's why he hasn't left my side in two days and he keeps ghosting around my house like he's lost.....
After I got my scarab tattoo last night, (I'll write that story later, I want to write this now that he's dozing off.), Thor, Onya, and Griffin followed me home for some sake and tarot. Yeah, I really dig my crew, I'm going to miss 'em. Thor eventually went home, and Onya snagged my couch. Griffin and I needed to sit up for a bit and talk, so we sat in my room on top of the mess I just got packed.
So for two weeks, er sumthin', he's been telling me to go "get yourself a girl", and all of this perverted stuff that I need to do when I move.
And he says he won't miss me, he's coming up in two weeks. He says he'll be busy with trying to get up North himself. He says these things like I need reassuring or something.
I am not the one who needs reassurance....obviously.
Griffin then proceeds to tell me Thor is really disappointed that we never decided to make this official. That Thor is almost upset at us for not pulling it together.
I don't get it. And then he tells me "Well, it's probably a good thing we never did end up calling this anything but friendship. I mean, it would never work. Even with your coming up and my coming down. One of us would end up getting really hurt, and I don't want to hurt you."
I had to break in at this point, "I know that, honey, this was not meant to go in that direction. I mean, c'mon, I'm leaving in teo days. I'm leaving. Not you."
"I just don't want you to be upset. Any kind of long distance relationship wouldn't work."
"Um. It's never really been called a relationship. I mean, if it hasn't been by now, it never will be, you know? C'mon, person mentions the word girlfriend or boyfriend and one of us blushes while the other one finds something else interesting to talk about really quickly. It's stupid, this has never bothered me, and will you quit worrying that you're gonna hurt me? You can't hurt me."
So we were agreed, we're damn good friends. We have a lot of other things on our minds...but I know he's just waiting for me to burst into tears.
"Kir, are you crying?", he asked so softly after he jerked awake from sleep.
"No, I just sniffed. It's dusty in here."
"Oh, I thought I heard you....you okay?",
"Yep"....and he falls asleep again with his beak tucked into my neck.
Yeah, I love him. Of course I do. I just don't know what kind it is and really I don't have the time to figure that out right now. And he's not going to hurt me. He says I've got balls 'cause I'm a "Hot-stuff-eatin'-tattooed-woman", and again I tell him flattery will get him everywhere. We're tight, but romantically, I haven't let him in much. I mean, I'm not anywhere near a position to be hurt by anyone. I can't be hurt. I JUST WON"T LET THEM.
It's been nice, this being smothered and paid attention to my last few days in town. And I'm giving him the 'puter....shhhh...don't tell him! I've decided it'll be a good idea in the long run. Scott picked it out, Rob set it up, K. crashed it a few times after putting Linux on it, now Griffin can bury it when he's done with it. I thinks that's pure hardware poetry, myself.
But I ain't going to cry....at least not until I'm on the road and he can't see the tears. I'm brave, goddamnit......
And he may have found a way to get My Dad's Bed up to Baltimore! Yah! My hero!