My
numbing little fog wore off sometime around five today.
I really took a step back and wondered "Just what the hell do you think you're doing?"
I'm too candid, too emotional....I broadcast all the fear, anger, shock and fortunately happiness that I feel constantly. NO wonder I wear people out. Thankfully, I can't stand to be around the same people for any amount of time either. Some people attribute that to my more Gemini side. I tell them they're wrong..."no, thanks for the reassurance, but really. I'm just fucking crazy."
This broadcasting, this sinking of all of my feelings into my environment has cost me dearly. Cost me things I wasn't even sure I wanted to begin with. Do I have regrets? DO I have a chance to take back the last two years? NO? Then give me back what I had in the first place.
I've done a lot of reckless things...especially lately...and I can no more squelch the feeling that it's not over than I can stop breathing.
Why do I relate this, these weaknesses on an electronic compendium of information that wants very little to do with subjective little 'old me? I closed a diary of my two years in Baltimore months ago, and haven't felt compelled to open another. Sounds like a good enough explanation to me. That and I know maybe half a dozen of the people who make up this chaos by their faces.
I've done a lot wrong in areas of my life. No really, I have done wrong. But I've also been wronged and I guess what I'm trying to figure out is where my wrongs ended and their's began.
Have you ever woke from a dream frantic feeling like you've done something horrible, but for the life of you, you can't remember what you did or who you did it to, but you know you're going to pay dearly in the end?
I get the feeling...ah hell, I know I'm about to get a swift kick in the karmic ASS. All because I love to take chances. I love the smell of risk in the morning!
All this anxiety because I didn't LISTEN to ANYBODY. I'm just to the point where I don't give a shit who lied, who did wrong, the past is the past is the past......I've just got my fingers crossed that this period of being in limbo will be over shortly.
I feel so guilty for what I want and what I miss. Especially when there doesn't seem to be any room for what WAS important before.