Came back home to the apartment this morning..or what felt like morning, only to have Satyr say, "Now stay calm. Your mother called last night and your father's in the hospital again. She said everything's going to be all right, but you need to call her." My heart plummetted, I started shaking, I started firing a million questions immediately.

"What happened? Did he fall? What did she say? Was she all right? What the hell is going on ?!?!?"

Couldn't reach her at the hospital, the woman answering the phone was a veritabe bitch. "You'll have to call back later." No I will not!

Leftovers of feelings from the night before, LordBear's birthday, already had me nearly to the basketcase stage, but this just made me go nuts. Ugh. I can't even cry at this point. I'm in shock and so frustrated that I can't even get a hold of anybody.

I sink to the floor and just slowly unravel. This is the biggest straw in a whole box of last straws. It's so hard to sit here and not be able to do anything. I hate feeling helpless, but that feeling seems to be the running theme of the last few months. Chaos. Nothing makes sense. And any sense of people I thought I knew is getting thrown upside down and twisted. Juxtaposition.

Satyr got as much info from Mom as he could. My father had experienced some internal hemmoraging....I'm not locking that one in because I don't know if I spelled it right.


That's it. I needed to get out of here. I put everything on hold, pushed people who are only going to further frustrate me away, set them aside, because THEY JUST DON"T GET IT. And run into Dundalk where it was peaceful and I could wait for my mother to return my messages while I think.

Mom called later in the evening. I started crying as soon as I heard her voice....she's been through quite a lot the last three years. Dad had his first stroke two and a half years ago, just two weeks after they had come to visit me in Baltimore. He was 72 at the time, still a practicing DO, and everything started to crash. He had a second stroke the following Spring, Agie passed away that June (The woman who practically raised me), Mom had breast cancer removed the following December, Dad fell numerous times, fracturing a hip twice, And Gran passed on this last February.

Having older parents, my mom's 63, is something really hard to swallow sometimes. I've lost all of my older relatives except for my parents, and quite obviously I've been trying to prepare myself for that for a while. I have siblings that are older than my inlaws, for crissakes!

Mom told me that Dad had a tumor removed from his colon. That's what was causing all of the trouble. He's in high spirits and my older brother Johnny is coming down from Cleveland to help out. A little relief.

I'm still just having a lot of problems dealing with loss and sickness. I only have a 22 year old psyche to work with, and sometimes when I'm scared like this I think, "This isn't fair. I'm too young to have to deal with this." I know it's selfish, but for a moment, I just can't understand why these things happen.

We're getting the results of the biopsy I guess I'll just hang in there until then.

Sorry if I missed anything or if I pushed you away during this time. I didn't mean to, I just needed a little more space in my head right then.