I love how my July 19, 2004 writeup, which is little more than a rant about how stupid this apartment is laid out, gets significantly more favorable votes than my July 18, 2004 writeup, which was a far more serious and honest piece. I hate to sound melodramatic, but this is another data point in support of my theory that the universe really thinks I'm a bag of shit and that people really don't want to listen anymore (and perhaps never did).

Since I'm so damned boring, I'll go back to whining about the ex-wife some more. People seem to like that crap.

She's owned the Corvette for over a week now. She still hasn't gone to the DMV to register it. She still hasn't had it smogged. She still hasn't taken it to a mechanic to have it inspected and have the alternator repaired. She still hasn't called her insurance agent to notify them of the purchase.

She is falling back into the same predictable pattern she maintained while we were married. It's part of the reason why we separated in the first place -- she's fucking lazy. I refuse to be convinced that she honestly "can't" do the things she claims she can't do. I remain convinced that she "won't" do them. She went from work today straight to the doctor's office for her continuing physical therapy from the accident. While there, she forgot/chose not to get the address and directions to the pharmacy where her new prescriptions are filled. She just figured I could look it up. She was close to Costco at this point (less than a mile away from it), but came back home to ask me if I "wanted" to go to Costco with her instead of just doing it herself. She never flat out tells me to do something; she always asks in that fucking obnoxious way that secretly says "if you say 'no' I will kill you."

Her chief complaint was she was tired. Never mind that she had to walk around Costco anyway, that it was her money being spent, and that she drove home from physical therapy anyway, nope, she's too tired to drive.

She still defers to me in irritating ways. She continues to try it even though I don't play along anymore. It's stupid, to the point that even complete strangers can see what's going on. Even though I give absolutely no signs whatsoever to indicate I want to lead or control anything, she will still just literally stand there in the middle of Costco waiting for me to decide what to buy. Even though she specified and wrote the shopping list, she waits for me to decide what to buy. She seems genuinely confused that I don't do that anymore, and very angry at me that I have the nerve to make her think for herself. She still wants me to run her life, do everything for her, and support her. The pressure to look for work is starting.

I realized today that she doesn't want to help me, or assist me in finding the help I need. There's nothing in it for her. If I'm actually treated and made better, I might just go off on my own again. She's already said repeatedly "please don't leave me again, I don't want to be alone." She seems just fine with letting me sit here all day and all night in this apartment, rotting away and becoming more and more depressed. That suits her needs well -- the more depressed and sad and miserable and lonely I am, the less likely I am to fight her or leave.

What she doesn't realize, though, is that I'm slowly building up enough strength to try suicide again. I've already figured out what to do (and it doesn't involve pills, alcohol, rubber bands, or plastic bags this time). I almost found the strength today, but fell short when the fucking cell phone rang. It was another debt collector (I don't answer those calls anymore, but it was still distracting).

Even with all my friends and family gone, and even under this bitch's iron fists, I will someday find the strength and means to escape this nightmare.

Offtopic: One more writeup to go 'till I hit the big 100 here on E2. Woot.