The first thing that happens when you die is they take your credit cards.

Next, they take your belt and your shoelaces.

Finally, they shave your head and paint a big yellow smiley face on the back. I'm sorry, it's policy. There's nothing we can do about it.

Then they judge you. You'll have to recite the Twenty-Third Psalm really fast ten times in a row. If you're a smartass and you say "adenoid" for "adonoi", they'll kick your ass real hard so don't try it.

If you can get through the recitation without tripping over your tongue or otherwise making an ass of yourself, you're in. You'll be ten feet tall, you'll never again sweat or belch, and if you're real nice to God He may even let you drive the Camaro.

If you fail, however, you'll go to Hell. Hell sucks. Hell is a vast Buick dealership full of baseball fans who want to tell you all about the Red Sox.