Today was great; a lot of things happened that I wasn't particularly pleased with, however, considering where I came from, where I have been, and what I have tolerated in the past, today was like riding to work on the back of a pure white swan (even though I have been informed that they are not terribly nice creatures, the imagery works for me). My new job is going really well; last week we spent quite a bit of time redoing things in my manager's office. His old desk was one of the sturdy metal varieties with a faux wood laminate top, one of the legs was separating from the rest of the structure, it was quite heavy, and I'm glad my main role was taping the drawers closed so others could more easily maneuver it through the door. I was telling a friend that there were some tense moments, when both of us were frustrated with the other person, but, I think, also able to see the other person's point of view.
Monday morning was cold, wet, and rainy. I drove to work in tears, angry and upset with myself for being so pushy. Why can't I ever just let things be at a new place? No wonder I have had so many jobs. I slogged to the door in a dismal mood, punched in the super secret code, and walked into the shop area. When I walked past my manager's office I could not believe my eyes. Friday afternoon there had been a bookcase in the middle of the room (not an exaggeration), his desk had been much closer to the door, and sitting at an inconvenient, and awkward angle. Papers and file folders were haphazardly stacked about, the fridge had been on the right, and his bookcare where he featured personal items was a dusty and chaotic mess. That morning his desk was at a neat right angle to the wall, all three bookcases were in an orderly row, the fridge had been moved, and there was a small, black bookcase with a few select mementos sitting on a dust free surface.
That was a great experience, and I was going to take a picture to send to my mom, but I wanted to get my bags into my office first. I walked in, saw a box I had previouly put under my printer, and wondered why it had been moved, a couple steps into the room, and I learned. My boss bought me a mini-fridge for my office, and had set my printer on top of the unopened rectangle. Fresh tears welled up in my eyes, and I stood there crying for I'm not sure how long. The emotions I felt changed moment to moment; disbelief, fear, feelings of unworthiness, guilt, joy, anger at past jobs for treating me so poorly, extreme gratitude, uncertainty; I took a picture, and sent it to my siblings. I wanted someone to share the moment with me, but it was so special that I wanted to be careful about who I invited to attend the party since I felt as if even one joking or sarcastic comment would be more than I could bear.
Last week my manager told me that initially, the salary offer was supposed to about $5K less than I was offered. He said I may receive a very tiny raise, and stressed that it would be minimal, but I waved away his concerns. I wasn't expecting anything (this is the beginning of my third week there), and when they told me what the pay scale was during my interview, I nodded thinking, I could really use that kind of money. When I received my formal offer letter; they took the high end, and I was so touched by that, I made a decision to make sure that these people got their money's worth out of me, and then some. So far, I feel as if they have even if I haven't done much of the work I was hired to be completing. Not all of this was my fault, I still don't have a phone that actually works, my manager made a joke about it looking nice on my desk, and I laughed too, but it's still been hard on me as I want to feel productive, and contribute to profitability.
After work I stopped at Walmart, mostly to get cash so I could pay my bill at Target. I have no idea why I can use my debit card there to make purchases, but they will not accept it as a method of payment when my bill is due. I ended up with some interest charges since I could only pay a portion of last month's bill with the cash I had, and I like Target a lot, but this whole thing is making me rethink the wisdom of using their card since this is not terribly convenient even though the two stores are not far from work, and across the highway from each other. Going after work was stressful, my mood deteriorated as I encountered one obstacle after another, and ultimately this is neither the fault of Target, Walmart, or anyone else, it is my issue, and this is why I am rethinking shopping at Target because my decision to purchase things there should not affect anyone else such as the poor cashiers who are doing their best with an irrational system.
I've made a lot of changes lately, and I'm really proud of most of them, even if the circumstances were perhaps not ideal, a lot of life is doing what those cashiers are, making the most of what they have while wishing circumstances would improve. My day did not start well; I narrowly avoided what would have been a potentially life ending car accident on the freeway while driving into work. I would have been partially at fault, and that's never a good feeling. Despite escaping with my life, and vehicle intact, I was rattled, shaky, and did something I rarely do. I stopped for tea on the way into work thinking something warm and sweet would be good for me. It was, and I'm glad I spent that money even though I have been trying very hard to manage my money better, and I have been in many areas which is good. When I was telling my manager about this, he said next time I should pull over, call him, or someone who cares, and he would come get me.
That is the kind of thing I so desperately needed to hear. I remember my car going off the road when a tie rod snapped, and a kindly man followed me to the nearest building after we exited the freeway. My boss was super at the time, but when I called home, the response was that I had better stay at work no matter what kind of shape I was in since I now had a major car repair bill, and could ill afford to take off, subsequently losing that income. A lot of what I have done is let go, and let God. More letting go than letting God, and I'm no longer ashamed of that either. I'm human, frail, flawed, but forgiven too. Several months ago, possibly even six, I switched churches, and if I had to think of a life changing decision which seemed almost trivial at the time, this would be near the top. I have always required more emotional support than I received, and I finally found some places that actually seem happy to be giving it to me.
Tomorrow I am meeting my personal trainer before work, after I get off, I'm going to see my oldest at the mall. I'm working through a self love booklet that's been harder than I would have initially suspected. I hate writing out answers to their questions, I love to read, but am frequently stymied when asked to answer questions which I find somewhat amusing as I love to write. Since I met someone I no longer work with; I'm not even really sure how many books we have done together, three, four, five? It doesn't matter, it's something we both enjoy, and I am so incredibly grateful for the people who are in my life today. The people who are not a part of my life rate a mention here; I have not been the person I would like to have been in the past, doubtless I will not be her in the future either, they have helped shape who I am today, and I bear no ill will, nor do I harbor any animosity. I pray for them when I think of it, and have shed many a tear over them too.
I've gotten back into going to the library, helpful now that reading is back on my radar, and I work much closer to the library that I love. When I checked out a book on codependency I anticipated learning what I could do about my past romantic relationships, and the book was good that way as well, but what it really did was show me how much low self esteem has cost me over the years. I can't remember if I wrote about this, or not, but the low point at my last job was; December 8, 2020. It's suprising that I survived, shocking that nobody seemed to notice, perhaps they did, and simply did not care, sometimes I have the power of invisibility. This morning I stood in line and watched several people walk right past me. A woman, a man, another man almost made it, but then the barista saw me standing there, and took my order. It's a cool power to have, the downside is sometimes I want to be seen.
There is so much more on my mind; but I need to be up early, and would like some time to rest and relax before bed. Thanks for reading. I have really missed this type of writing, I'm not sure if this will become a habit once again, but it gave my thoughts a place to go, and there is great value in that for me.
Xoxo,
J