Ah, the English. Such a nation has rarely been known. In a nutshell, the country has been invaded by Romans, Angles, Saxons, Jutes, Vikings and finally, the Normans, and the bastard race (I use the word in it's purest sense!) has grown to have such a sense of self-importance that it is difficult to understand given the number of people on such a tiny island. At the head of the British Empire, Englishness spread worldwide, and it was said that "the sun never set on the British Empire".

Certainly, this tiny island race has had a great influence on the world, for better or worse. Their language pervades the whole globe, and their offspring American cousins have taken over where the English left off with slavery and military conquest, and spread Coca-Colonialism everywhere (practically every town and city worldwide has a McDonald's, for instance).

Now this little plot of land has fostered such a sense of its own importance, and the lesser qualities of other races, that or proud nationalism rises to the fore in oh-so-many ways. We have cornered the Welsh in their own tiny prison, we burst in on the Scots on many occasions, and have even tried to win back bits of the French territories. We have managed to spread all over the world, colonising such far-away places as Australia and New Zealand, and developed wonderfully complex bureaucracies in places as diverse as India and Hong Kong.

Our schools still seem to fill the minds of our children with tales of Empire glory, ignoring the histories of other countries (even those geaographically close to us in Europe). Is it really any wonder that we continue to look down on others as inferior? There's a very English (and very inflammatory) saying, still occasionally heard within the bounds of Albion - "wogs begin at Calais". Certainly, we have shown a typically insular and superior set of behaviours toward those on the Continent, showing great disdain for the EU (we have the gall to moan about their bureacracry!) and relinquishing our currency in favour of the Euro.

In short, we hate everyone1 to the degree that in the 1950s, Flanders and Swann were able to pen a song which aped this chauvinistic English (note: not "British"2) mentality. Read and enjoy.3

The English, the English, the English are best
I wouldn't give tuppence for all of the rest.

The rottenest bits of these islands of ours
We've left in the hands of three unfriendly powers
Examine the Irishman, Welshman or Scot
You'll find he's a stinker, as likely as not.

The Scotsman is mean, as we're all well aware
And bony and blotchy and covered with hair


The Irishman now out contempt is beneath
He sleeps in his boots and he lies through his teeth

The English are noble, the English are nice,
And worth any other at double the price4

The Welshman's dishonest and cheats when he can
And little and dark, more like monkey than man

And crossing the Channel, one cannot say much
Of French and the Spanish, the Danish or Dutch
The Germans are German, the Russians are red,
And the Greeks and Italians eat garlic in bed!

And all the world over, each nation's the same
They've simply no notion of playing the game
They argue with umpires, they cheer when they've won
And they practice beforehand which ruins the fun!


It's not that they're wicked or naturally bad
It's knowing they're foreign that makes them so mad!

We travel overseas and expect everyone to speak our language as though born to it, we expect fish and chips and Branston Pickle in overseas restaurants, and trample roughshod over the locals as we race to the shores of Spain and Greece, to burn ourselves half to death on their beaches, in unfamiliar amounts of blue sky and sun. We shout instruction to the denizens of the world in the hope that the poor witless souls will understand, and to put the final nail in the coffin, we complain when we can't get a cup of tea.

Ah, the poor souls. Have pity on them - they do not yet know that they must leave the nursery of their island, remove their social, cultural and linguistic blinkers, and come into the 21st century. I pray it's not too late!

1 We don't really hate everyone, honestly...
2 "Britain" would include the Scots, Welsh and Irish.
3 You do know this is tongue-in-cheek, don't you?
4 Of course, some other countries may, for all I know, have the same view of themselves...

This writeup is CST Approved.