Dammit, I want this to end.

She doesn't love me. Not really. Not when she disappears every Friday night and comes back reeking of booze and with her clothes hanging askew on her body, with that giggly look on her face that she used to make towards me whenever we made love. When we made love. Not her. We. But now it's not we. It's her and him. Her and that other faceless, nameless tosser I want to strangle.

My job is awful. They don't pay me enough for all the work I do that nobody recognises anyway, and there's this rumour floating around that I am a transvestite terrorist and everyone stays away from me because they think I'm going to blow them up or something. Even my boss has given me some shady looks. It's just a fucking rumour. People are stupid.

I don't have any friends. None of them let me into the conversations they have any more, instead I get out one syllable before somebody cuts across me with a more intelligent, witty or just generally well-thought-out answer. They go out without telling me they're going, they do all the things I used to enjoy with them but they don't say a word to me. People are stupid, and I must be the stupidest one of them all.

My family have stopped calling, stopped writing, stopped all signs of acknowledging my existence. They don't care about me any more because they think I can handle my life on my own. I tried telling them how I feel. The message did not get through. I think I'm getting sick and they don't call to ask me how I am, they don't offer me comfort and they don't come and visit me with a bunch of grapes.

There's no good movies on any more, and anyway I can't afford it because I barely earn enough money to cover a week's worth of food and petrol, a month's worth of gas and phone and electricity and Internet, and my HECS debt. I can't go down the street to watch other people try to run their dysfunctional lives and have them come out all peachy so that everyone in their little Hollywood land lives


I hate my life. I no longer have hopes and dreams. I wish I would one day wake up dead. But I am not dead yet.

A nodeshell challenge by waverider37