Today was the day I shit
After an hour in the car with two screaming kids
, my wife and I were both on edge. As we walked into the house, kids still wailing, my wife turns to me - with rage
in her eyes - and berates me for not having done the dishes. Having regained some control
of my facilities, I figured I could either lunge
at my loving wife, rip out her tongue
and nail it to the wall; or go somewhere else to calm down
. As I am trying to be a good father
I chose the latter. So I walked out the front door and headed north on foot.
Now I live in the south of Tampa
, and my walk took me through some of the city's most luxurious
neighborhoods. Although I was filled primarily with self-hate
, I found myself overcome
with desire for a nice house, in a nice neighborhood, my two daughters playing hide and seek in a huge, immaculate
I walked through these neighborhoods to my church
. My goal was to sit for as long as possible in the presence of God
to try and sort my life
out. But no-one was there, and all the doors were locked.
As I turned around to walk home, I slowly started to realize I really, really had to go to the bathroom
. My breakfast
had consisted of two bowls of cereal and a large serving of Dr. Pepper
. However I was a good ten minutes' walk from home, or any public toilet
. And the neighborhood I was in did not lend itself to strangers inviting one in to go potty
So it happened. A large, steaming bowel movement
began to fill up my boxer shorts, and slowly began to drip down the back of my legs as I walked. Here and there little chunks
fell to the ground as well.
Luckily the streets were deserted
. I passed a few cars and pedestrians
, but no-one noticed. As I walked past these enormous houses I became aware of a perverse, primitive impulse: to scoop out a big hunk of feces
from my shorts and fling
a bit into each driveway to mark my path.
Tomorrow it's supposed to get cold