So I wonder... how long can i go on fooling myself like this?

I see him and I whisper to Amy "He drives me nuts. He's so annoying. I just try to avoid him..." but do I? I mean I say that I can't stand to be around him but sometimes I realize I'm just fooling myself here...

I saw him on my way out of the building and he probably had places to go and things to do but I told myself "wow good thing I'm on my way to work so I don’t have to deal with him now..." but I find myself walking so slowly. Taking each step drastically slower than I normally would in hopes that he'll catch up to me.

in hopes that he'll say "hey how are you??!"

in hopes that he'll really want to know how I am

in hopes that he'll ask where I'm going, say, "Oh to work? Can I come too? Can I follow you around? Can I drop everything I'm doing just for you?

it used to bother me that he was that desperate... that enthusiastic about me... but now I just pray I wasn't making it all up

it's sick but what could be more delightful than knowing a guy is that willing to do anything just for you?

and i doubt it's because he likes me on a physical level... it never was this way before I really got to know him better

But there are other factors that come into play here

I'm greedy and selfish but there's no trying to fool myself into thinking i could be different

I got silly-goofy on rum and diet coke. I played with amber and Neil sang sweet things to me and quoted Blue Velvet to me in a way that was so intensely creepy and yet so amazingly exciting and flattering. I laughed and played and had fun and did no harm to anyone (that I know of) and when the silly buzz was wearing down I (with the help of Dave) walked amber home. Dave and I walked back to the coffee house holding hands. I was still pretty tipsy and I needed someone to hold on to. Dave is so perfect for that.

It was very late. I mean, the house closes to customers at 2am and Neil was kicking people out so I decided Amber should get home before it got much too late, and so by the time Dave and I got back it was probably 2:15-2:30. However, neither of us were tired and we ended up staying up till 5 am doing various things, but mostly talking.

He showed off his fine piano skills by playing an E flat. I wasn't sure how to go about tuning my guitar so I could play some song from my Weezer - Blue Album guitar book... but I wasn't eager to adjust my strings just so I could practice some power chords anyway... but Dave was kind and showed me the difference between E sharp and E flat.

Then we woke up Neil so we had to restrain our activity to quietly chatting. We talked a lot ... and mostly it was Dave pouring his heart out to me about his mother and all I could do was sympathize. I like to think I'm good at offering up advice but I had no clue what would make him feel better. He, on the other hand, made me feel better by telling me he could enjoy my company with out having to be talking. It's such a nice thought to know he enjoys my company! Anyway, I gained a huge respect for this kind boy and realize now his full capacity to care for others is outstanding.

Now if only he could care so much for me... Oh I don't deserve that at all but wouldn't it be divine? If only I could pour my heart out to him about how I truly feel... First I'd have to gain the self confidence needed to put your heart in someone's hands. Then I'd have to find a way to make it less awkward if things went wrong... you know... having to live in the same house with him for the rest of the year and all. I'm just not sure about that. You never know how people are going to react to things, especially the truth.

He went to bed ... and now he may very well be fast asleep in the room next to me, but honestly I doubt it.