When we were together I never had the right words
But now that you're gone I have a new set of vocabulary
is the loss of ability to speak, or understand speech
My words slip and change as I go to say them - you know how a page of black
squares on white
, it looks like there's gray
in the intersecting corners?
Or if you stare at traffic
and light flashes off chrome and it's all blue spots when you close your eyes?
It's all in the angle of light
I never told you that I love
the way light leaves white squares on your eyes
I never told you that when I would go swimming and you would stay on the shore
, in the right light if you opened your eyes under water and looked up you could see your two bodies
I never told you that when we would climb trees with the sun
in our hair in the right light I could see your two bodies
Merging as they hit the air
I never told you I believe there is a space between your shoulders where your wings
used to be.
When I would have nightmares
I would stare at that space until my eyes grew heavy.
I've had such real dream
s about you - waking up with the taste of metal
in my mouth
worn thin under my fingernails and under my tongue
You told me once you could hear my heartbeat
through the floor
It's like there is a purring coming from inside the earth
I wanted to sleep next to you until the mattress grew lumpy and the pillow grew soft
And the walls overlapped above us
I never told you I loved to curl up beside you so that even when you were gone your shape would remain in the curve
of my spine
I never told you how I've been carrying these thoughts around for a year
Trying to kick the habit of making you myth
There are words that have gone flat from over use,the ridges
worn down to nothing and being passed so often from hand to hand.
Did you know that they've talked of discontinuing pennies? The cost of making them in proportion to the value of the cent.
That I miss you
And did I tell you that I have a piece of pencil
that broke off in my palm when I was 13?
Have you seen a penny worn so thin from circulation that its features are indistinct
? Nothing left but a dirty
And I'm afraid of the day the graphite disappears
It happened long ago that mines
were abandoned, filled with water, leeching minerals
into the river
s - excavating a mountain
Soft copper cheap.
That I notice the cracks in the sidewalk and how they stay wet after everything is dry.
I never told you I wore the prints off my fingers trying to hold tight to you
That I find beauty
in the softness of a bullet hole
in solid glass - the way it gets swallowed up
It's all in the angle of light.
Have you ever been anywhere that the sun drops straight behind the horizon?
Or the Isle of Skye
Where the sky mimics the color
of the ocean so exactly that there is no horizon
There are days that I want to crash
, just to feel the gravel in my hands.
So I can't get the words out right like how blood
hits the air and turns red
all that iron
And I have left splinters
just below the skin because it gives my day purpose
And I don't know why scar
s don't disappear
even though every cell regenerates
within seven years
And I don't know why I still have pictures of you
Or why I wake up next to someone else dreaming about you