Today the night sky is
grey, filled with clouds. I can't seem to find myself in the
world, and I feel like I could
explode with all of the thoughts in my head that keep flooding me each day, but I can't. I can't express anything in a way that I feel would be appropriate. I long to be different, but I don't know how to be different from all the people
I see and meet. Nothing I do seems to stand out from the rest, so I've just given up. There is a despair that surrounds my body and
heart, that weighs me down. The sky is beautiful because
the sky is grey. The sky is beautiful and appropriate to this
night.
Today I found
beauty I didn't know existed, and today I realized how wonderful life is. Today felt worthy of writing something down, so maybe someone else could remember it with me. Today is beautiful, but my heart feels ugly -
too ugly to be in a world full of things such as... the
sidewalk, covered with leaves and water that has run through the cracks, the flowers that are wilting and wet and trampled on by feet... The cigarette that just wouldn't stay lit because of the rain.
I can never make sense. I long to make sense, but I suppose making sense for the sake of making sense isn't what you should do when it erodes the very essence of the feeling you're trying to
capture. And I'm hung up on
dead singers and actresses, wishing I could be like they were. Sometimes I think I'm living in the wrong time, the wrong decade. I don't know what time I'd like to be living in, but I just get so down sometimes. Watching
television gets me down as does listening to the radio.
The things that make me happy will lead me nowhere. I'm trying to go to school, to find something I'll be able to do for the rest of my life. Still trying to figure out what to major in and all of that normal bullshit that everyone "has" to go through. Sometimes I get so sad, thinking about the days when I was an
anarchist... When I vowed never to be like everyone else, when I thought that I could truly be free straying away from
society, jobs and everything that
Americans strive for. Maybe I'm hung up on the past, and I probably shouldn't be as I'm still so young.
I know I have a
voice, and I want to use it so badly. The only thing I really want is to be able to share what I feel with others. I don't know if I write well enough to do so, and I sure as hell can't sing worth a damn, although all I do is listen to old
records and let the junk in my room pile up until I can't stand to look at it anymore. And it's pouring rain and I have the
window open. And I keep shutting myself in the house to read books on
existentialism, reading nausea by
sartre for the eighth time. That book depresses me, but I keep reading it again and again, pouring over the pages until I'm asleep... waking up with that
Johnny Cash album still playing.
I wish I could
believe in God and the possibility of
heaven after I die, but I just can't. I know in my heart that it's not true. Ever since I was a little kid. I'd tell everyone I believed in God, but I never really did. I never bought into God, just like I never bought into Santa Clause or the
Tooth Fairy. Maybe none of this is relevent... it's quite possible that nothing is relevent. And what is the point of anything, when it comes down to it? It's this neverending vicious cycle, and we just keep hurting ourselves, in whatever way is appropriate to each of us.
And I pour over this site like it's the fucking
bible, and rarely find something good enough to write about... I have miscellanious poems, and a misspelled
suicide note. A minor hint that I just might have some issues I need to work out. And I know this isn't a place to put in your diary entries, but I've got no where else. All I want is to be heard. And I know I can sound like a moron, but I'm not. I fill my existence with sad songs and
daydreams. I used to go straight to the bottle every day, but now I just keep quiet and read, write, sing badly and try to make things in my life happen that never work out. I make all these goals that I intend to accomplish, and then half way through I forget. I wish I could just get whatever I wanted done, but I always get sidetracked.
I was born with a great hole in my heart. I'm not speaking medaphorically - I'm speaking literally. The kind that requires surgery... but my whole life I've felt this
sinking feeling in my heart. Like maybe the hole in my heart wasn't meant to be fixed, like maybe I was meant to die from the very beginning.
I try to hold onto things that I
love, but I never can. Friends and lovers mainly. It seems like everything I love I hurt or hurts me. Right now I'm trying so hard to make things work out with the ones I love, and I hope that it does like it never did before. All my close friends ended up breaking my heart, and with each lost friendship a part of me died. Some people that were closest to me betrayed me in ways I don't think I can bring myself to repeat right now, and then in return I hurt other people that I loved. Nothing I do or think makes sense. Do you ever feel like you might be crazy but you just haven't figured it out yet? Like maybe you're
crazy inside your
head but no one's noticed yet... or maybe they have, and your entire life is just some
fucked up thought in the head of a crazy person. Like... maybe I'm
schitzophrenic but I don't know it, and everyone I love is a part of my imagination. I've got a pretty big imagination, it scares me sometimes.
Today I tried to think of who I want to be, instead of who I am. There's no way for me to figure out who I am. I think the only way for me to know that would be to transfer all of my thoughts and feelings to someone else so someone else could get a perspective of who I am and
judge based on what they think... I don't know. But I know that I want to be someone who is smart, someone who people can
respect and want to be around... I want to be someone who is different and stands out from everyone else, but not in a bad way... in a good way. Someone who is happy, someone who knows where they are going. I want to be someone that you'll remember in a year. But see... that's the trouble. It's like, you know who you want to be but you don't know how to be that person.
"Now I realize it's so hard to see the rainbows through glasses dark as these. Baby, I'll be able from now on on my knees. Oh I am weak. Oh I know I am vain. Take this weight from me, let my spirit be unchained. Old man swearin' at the sidewalk and I'm overcome. Seems that we've both forgotten, forgotten to go home. Have I seen an angel? Or have I seen a ghost? Where's that rock of ages when I need it most?"
-"Unchained", Johnny Cash