Yesterday afternoon Lilly
came over, she was down, dejected, obviously below the surface disturbed by something – on Friday night she calls to see if I want to sleep over and I say no
– but it takes a torturous amount of will
just to say so and break away from her power
over me – so yesterday we sit on my porch and start talking and eventually things get a little clearer – she fills with passion
to tell me that she cannot be with me if I am involved with “Other
” women. OTHER sounds funny on her lips – and I tell her You don’t understand my relationships with they you call Other (would it be less difficult if there was an Other?
Certainly, at least for me…)to you – I am not out for sex or to arrive at an overly emotive, responsible pose in relation to those who your imagination revolts against and who with mine interact… there is a difference… not one that may be used to excuse blame or envy from the You-and-I, the Us that now even now so much now lays uncertain in our Selves… you are the only one who has such a direct and affectual command over me… I obey
you, I submit to your power, your sheer emotion and want…
She: ˆWith Tony (ex-lover) so many times in this last month I have yelled at and hit him and screamed and gotten so mad with him… he wants Spring (sister)… but with you I can never get mad, I cannot stand to be… there is a sadness that comes and makes me quiet and cry… but I cannot get mad, only sad.
I said something about her ‘accepting’ that side of me – that side which delights in the new and returns to the familiar. Truth be told, I am emotionally attached to Christina – our relationship has undergone much strengthening – and yet since I’ve been back there has been two newnesses to me opened.
After Lilly left Kate and Chris and Josh and I cooked up a delicious stir fry and ate and drank wine and hung out (on Thursday night or so I went over to Cara’s house and found myself between focusing on Kate and Cara – I could not focus on both) – but Saturday night I focused on Kate and interacted with her (Lilly’s challenge or threat notwithstanding) and showed to her this and spoke to her of that and we two were in the kitchen, talking, she gesticulating wildly with her hands and fingers and me catching her with my eyes and goings on, and so at one point there is a silence that resounds a bit between us and she:
I wish I wasn’t drunk right now. (she was at that moment through a second or third glass of water, after having imbibed one or two glasses of Carlo)
I: Why, so you’d be able to slap me in good conscience?
she: No, quite the opposite.
A pause wherein a pulse surges, we are now locked in a dance, and I keep pulling her to my eyes, to my eye, and closer – closer, she tries to kiss me. I whisper No and catch her with my forehead – we embrace eye to eye and then she pulls me into her… more so…
Where is your energy focused?
Well put it here, I touch her forehead, she quivers, we’re interrupted.
For the remainder of the evening we make little and furtive contact – towards the end we’re on the couch and I’m on my back with my feet over the arm rest and I and her face to face turn and in a measured, somewhat less pervasive silence speak in tones not erotic but intimate, very, she makes wonderful designs with the atomic toy, her fingers smoothly, rigid, going into and at it quickly – after she tried to kiss me I said that’s not the best way to get to know someone and she said
I know but sometimes it is.
Now recall that not half a day earlier Lilly sat with me on my porch and we spoke about this very aspect of my life: and she explicitly told me that it cannot go on if we are together. I find myself there (with a her) both by will and by fate (the line seems to be dissolving somewhat) and there is not always eros physically, but eros and I meet with a her – a single beautiful soul with a name and a fascinating espiritus and particular dimensions and digressions and destinies – and not always in this way or not – the factor that most occurs is an emotion of connection and care that, as time goes on, becomes more particular to each interaction, situation, transaction, session -----