The Last Dean Martin Roast
Or, The Roasting of The Christ
Scene: A Dean Martin-style celebrity roast. Five chairs are placed in a semi-circle. Seated from left: Don Rickles, Dean Martin, Jesus Christ, Phyllis Diller, and Telly Savalas. We join the roasting in progress.
- KOJAK:
- Man, I'd like to have your head of hair when I'm 2000. But seriously, Who loves ya, baby? Other than billions of people? Thank you!
- RICKLES:
- I just admire what you had to do in order to be here. I didn't know just how good fish and bread can taste, especially with all that wine!
- DILLER:
- Too bad Dino drank it all! Ha!
- JIM CAVIEZEL'S DOPPELGANGER (confused as to his place among B-List celebrities of the Seventies):
- Why am I here?
- DINO (Doing his Dino thing):
- Why are you so uptight, Jesus? We're just trying to poke a little fun at you.
- JESUS
- (Really upset; for Jesus, at least): You are nothing but a bunch of blasphemers!! Good Day! (Exits).
- DINO:
- Lord, what was crawling up his keester? Satan was a MUCH better participant. Anyway, let's just roast myself! That's what happens every time, anyway!
Guests laugh, then Curtain