The Last Dean Martin Roast

Or, The Roasting of The Christ

Scene: A Dean Martin-style celebrity roast. Five chairs are placed in a semi-circle. Seated from left: Don Rickles, Dean Martin, Jesus Christ, Phyllis Diller, and Telly Savalas. We join the roasting in progress.

Man, I'd like to have your head of hair when I'm 2000. But seriously, Who loves ya, baby? Other than billions of people? Thank you!

I just admire what you had to do in order to be here. I didn't know just how good fish and bread can taste, especially with all that wine!

Too bad Dino drank it all! Ha!

(confused as to his place among B-List celebrities of the Seventies):
Why am I here?

(Doing his Dino thing):
Why are you so uptight, Jesus? We're just trying to poke a little fun at you.

(Really upset; for Jesus, at least): You are nothing but a bunch of blasphemers!! Good Day! (Exits).

Lord, what was crawling up his keester? Satan was a MUCH better participant. Anyway, let's just roast myself! That's what happens every time, anyway!

Guests laugh, then Curtain