no doctor can tell you you have depression, you just know it. you know when you look in the mirror and get lost in your own self-hatred. people mistake you for vain because you can't tear your eyes away. you know it when you feel the hunger pains and you just smile. you make no effort to quench that thirst, even when your abdomen feels like it's on fire. you know it when you try to talk to someone but no words come out. you feel your heart beating as they frown at you and you feel like you can't breathe. you know it when for weeks you feel fine, months even, then you miss the bus and the world falls apart about your head. you can't remember what you are doing but suddenly there's coke smears on the mirror in front of you and someone is screaming. then you realise that blood-curdling noise is coming from you.

at least, thats how it is for me. my life is wonderful right now. i have a special person in my life who loves me and we're making plans for the future. i'm just waiting for the day when i fuck up and go completely off the rails. i feel like i am walking on eggshells waiting for the day i cry more tears than he's ever seen. the day when i proove to him that the girl he loves, i hate. the day i loosehim forever.

i guess i agree with vega star. i don't need the doctors to tell me i need help. no one does...

don't listen to the labels. don't listen to the doctors. the only person who can save you is...


don't let them crowd your mind, clear it and remember that you are STILL here. despite everything, so far, you've survived. cut the bull shit. you know how you feel, time for the choice, do you want to live or die? either way, make up your fucking mind. if you want to see the dawn, my friends, then breathe, rest your eyes and wait for the sunshine to wash away the sins of the night before. start your day with the knowledge that you are going to make this better. if, however, you want to meet your maker sooner rather than later, remember you family or who ever is going to find your lifeless body. brains splattered everywhere can disturb even the most mentally stable and i'm sure you don't want anyone to feel the way you feel now. so poison yourself and when the world fades away, smile and try to look peaceful.

don't be like me, i wish i had the guts to do it before i hurt him. unfortunately, i'm too happy right now, i couldn't even cut myself if i wanted to. i'm so happy i could go dancing in the street, i just wish i could garantee i'm going to be the same tomorrow.