Was it good? Was it right?
We thought so at the time. It was one of the best things and the worst things I had ever done with my life.
What was the best part?
I would be asked to turn so the sun at sunset shone on my face and I would catch the sunlight and show them the green of my eyes. Then I would ask for them to turn and show me the gold of the sun on their skin and we would admire each other. Once we did that naked in the sea and it was the first time ever for them and they were so so happy. Happier than I ever saw from all the happy times and I thought, yes, this is what life is for.
What was the worst?
The worst was not knowing, not knowing if we were OK, if we were good or bad, not knowing if it was enough to decide to be strong and continue. Not knowing if we were strong enough or well equipped enough to face circumstance and depredation together. We weren't. I believe we could have been but we weren't. I will use a metaphor of the sea later, but there are worse things than sharks.
Do you regret it?
No. I saw the danger and tried anyway. I believed. It was worse than I ever imagined but I am here. I do regret my mistakes.
Was it love?
It taught me about love.
Are you OK?
I've been better and I've been worse. Pain teaches care. Care is fundamental. Fighting your own mind is hard, try to win before you fight if you can.
Have you forgiven?
Somehow, wonderfully, unknowably, there is nothing to forgive. I saw and remember the pain of the person who hurt me. I was injured by someone as they left a trap not of our own making. They forgot me in their desperation, which I had contributed to. Don't ask me about the trap. Don't ask me about what I left in the trap. I have not been forgiven.
What happened?
It was unavoidable. Imagine two people who loved each other and thought they had a good boat. They loved the sea more than they feared it. The sea tormented them both without even noticing them and destroyed the boat. They drifted and tried to swim, growing more tired and further apart, instead of learning to float together. They both live. They both still love the sea, and remember the time they moved in it together. I think they fear it a little more and love it a little less though. Almost certainly, they will never look each other in the eye again.
So what?
If you really love the sea, you get used to the idea that you're part of it. When you bleed, you bleed into it. Some people you will look in the eye once, some never, some forever. But it's impossible to tell just by looking. You have to put yourself on the line, to be in the sea, or out in the world, or with other people.
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Acknowledgements;
raincomplex and lostcauser, who inspired me.
archiewood (he knows why, and it would take another writeup to even attempt to explain why & how much I love that man) and all the other people in whose shelter I live.
Thank you for reading.