Day five of theboy's patented Nicotine Intake Reduction Programme (NIRP). It's strange how at times it's the easiest thing in the world to do, not to smoke. Not to want to smoke. Not to think about it. And then in a moment, I know I will be thinking about it. Depends what I'm doing.
It's an addiction, you fool, that's what addiction does - happy/sad, up/down, two sides to the same moment.
But whatever I'm doing, it doesn't involve smoking. Not before 1 p.m., anyway.
Frighteningly habitual. Day 1, last Thursday, was the toughest. I was up at 6 am, and didn't have so much as a single puff until 2:10 p.m.. Eight hours. Eight tar-free hours in which I wasn't able to smoke:
It's a list of activities that are now incomplete, a list of things to do while smoking. How can I buy time for a quick fag? I'll wait for public transport, I'll walk somewhere I don't need to go. I used to, anyway. Now I have to sit at my desk and work. Of all things.
Saturday, woke up tired, maybe a bit dehydrated, still chewing the night before's kebab remnants, wondering immediately how much vodka you have to drink to spend 60 pounds. 3 and a half hours kicking about the house. Eat bagel, eat more, drink tea, drink coffee. Listen to neighbours swear at their kids. Nice. Beginning to despair of the world, nothing's right. And then it's 1 o'clock, and everything's just dandy!
There was a brief intermission there. You didn't notice it though, because it was an implied pause. In my time zone, it was 1pm. It could only mean one thing. So now I have a new activity; smoking while the clock ticks from one until five past. And it was a much better 5 minutes than any of the above, when there's never quite enough time, and the mouth gets dry with the pressure to finish, and I know I'm only doing it because that's just what I do at that moment. At times like this, I think Richard Klein was right.
I'm the same person I was before one o'clock; I've just shuffled away from the edge slightly is all. Talk to me, I won't bite.
16 days to go, and then I can have my vague reward. It involves buying CDs. Not buying them is harder than not smoking, I can tell you, but then I did buy 12 last week, so that should be enough to keep my ears stimulated until then.