There's nothing I like more at 8.30 on a Monday morning - having staggered into work bleary eyed after a late night playing Tennis on the Dreamcast and smoking dope - than an impromptu motivational meeting with the M.D.

Fellow noders, imagine my delight when that very configuration of events occurred this morning.

I sat down at my desk hoping to wake gently with a cup of coffee while checking my XP. I was to be gravely disappointed.

Having been told that there would be a meeting that the M.D. would "sit in on" everyone in the room became nervous - dashing around almost tripping over their own feet in their haste to cover their backs.

I heard a couple of my superiors discussing the provision of donuts and coffee. This immediately aroused my suspicions - clearly some kind of carrot, which would undoubtedly be offset by a particularly large and malodorous stick.

I work for a large "Blue Chip" company, and if the Team (hey, remember guys, There's no "I" in Team) isn't performing, we are often gathered together to have our ears filled with sick corporate management speak.

I learned this morning that as a team we have failed to achieve our target of spending 33.3% of our working day thinking outside the box and 12.6% of our total energy expended in life looking at the bigger picture.
Our going live with the planning of solutions via the pooling together of ideas has also been somewhat of a disappointment.

The crowning glory of this motivational tactic was that the the big cheese did indeed provide donuts and coffee - and then used the opportunity of our mouths being full to tell us how much we suck.

-"Here, have a donut"

-"Oh, thanks"

-"Come on, everyone get a donut"

-"Ooh, okay, lovely"

-"Look at you useless fuckers, sitting there stuffing your faces with donuts, and drinking coffee. You make me sick…"

I smirked my way through most of this.

It was noticed.