a/k/a "Susan Delucci and the Miracle of Life"

One morning around 5 am 22 year old Susan DaLucci of Kittery Maine, woke up with a painful need to urinate. At first she thought she had diarrhea, but when she stood up out of bed, she realized that it was urinary pain.

It was very similar to the feeling of having diarrhea, just out the wrong hole. She wobbled to the toilet and upon sitting on it, her vagina erupted into the most horrific messy farting noise anyone has ever heard. In paralyzing pain, Ms. DeLucci for the next few minutes continued to push and squirt out of her vagina a burning tide of wretch and filth while she gripped the sides of the toilet, white-knuckled. She was screaming wildly, and the neighbors called the police. When medics arrived they found Ms. DeNucci unconscious lying on the floor of her bathroom wearing nothing but her bath robe. Running down her leg, was a stream of brown and green syrup. The medic had to transfer her to a stretcher, so he grabbed her left leg which was bent crossing her other leg, to straighten her out. She was lying there all twisted up. When he lifted her left leg to straighten her body out, he exposed her vagina at which point a creature, no larger than the tip of a finger wormed its way out of her genitals and landed on the floor with a wet popping sound.

Shocked, the medic stared at the creature that was lying on the tile bathroom floor in a casing of mucous. It was a tiny mud shrimp and it sat there on the cold floor gasping for water while flipping itself back and forth. The horrified medic turned to the toilet as he felt the nausea setting in. When he put his face down into the toilet to puke what he saw was so horrific that to this day he cannot look at a toilet without convulsing. The entire toilet bowl was boiling with baby brown mud shrimp flipping and splashing at a furious pace. If you think that is bad - wait until you hear how it happened:

Ms. DeLucci official death was the result of a combination of shock and severe head trauma. She stood up over the toilet in pain and when she saw what she had done, she went into shock and fell, smashing her head on the toilet and then on the floor. It is believed by medical police that on two nights before the accident she had purchased a live lobster at a fish market. While lying in a tub, she gently inserted the creature's tail into her vagina to derive pleasure. At that point, she held a lighter under the creature's face causing it to flip its tail in a violent snapping motion. The medics found a lesbian XXX video in the VCR and the TV was positioned on a table in front of the tub.

The lobster was found in the kitchen garbage can wrapped in a paper bag. Traces of Ms. DeLucci's DNA were found on the lobster along with pubic hairs that had wedged themselves between the lobster tail joints. The lobster's face was lightly burned with the same fuel used in lighters. The lobster's digestive track (sic.) and colon were found to be full of mud shrimp egg casings. Doctors believe that the lobster had eaten them (they are common in the water at fish markets and are usually harmlessly boiled to death) and the lobster had crapped them out into Ms. DeLucci's cunt when she was torturing it. Maine mud shrimp only take two days to gestate and Ms. DeLucci was only four days away from getting her period, doctors believe that at that point of her menstrual cycle, her womb was the perfect PH balance to grow these mud shrimp which are a much larger version of the popular "Sea Monkey" pets sold throughout the US.

Over night the eggs had hatched and the mud shrimp began doubling in size every ten minutes. You can imagine the pain she was in when she woke up that morning and gave birth to well over 1,000 mud shrimp in her toilet.

Oh, those lesbians! What won't they think of, since they can't get (or are too proud to deal with) men!

First right off: getting a lobster tail into someone's snatch is going to hurt like hell, since they're full of sharp little shell angles, and they're just too big and not the right shape. Also, mud shrimp are found only in the Bay of Fundy, and hatch only on exposure to light, cold and high saline content water, and aren't found anywhere near lobsters at all. Brine shrimp are the popular "Sea Monkey" shrimp and are found in the lobster-less waters of the Great Salt Lake. Both are about the same size-- about a quarter to half an inch long--and unlikely to survive long in nonsaline city water. The assertions that the shrimp take "two days to hatch" and "double in population every ten minutes" cancel each other out: either they would multiply over several days (counting time to reach adult status) or, like some bacteria, double over twenty minutes, but not both. If the "medical police" found anything in the toilet bowl, it would look no worse than most of the stuff found there, and unlikely to make anyone convulse.

Secondly, the quality of writing is laughable: despite efforts to sound adult, the author manages to get in three, count 'em, three versions of her name, to use the word "vagina", "womb" and "cunt" in the same vicinity, as well as "urinate" and "crap" and to invent a new profession, "medical police", which is unlikely to be found in a small town like Kittery (they do have some nice designer outlet shops however). Also, we have no idea of whether she "gently inserted" the lobster "to induce pleasure", "felt like she had diarrhea" or "urinary pain", or heard "most horrific messy farting noise anyone has ever heard" since we have no indication that she woke up after being hit on the head.

So, here's the idea: very likely, this is the work of a young teenage boy, who's trying desperately to gross-out his virginal audience with the worst possible specimen of womanhood he can think of. Yes, she's young, but she's a lesbian, which means either ugly or unavailable, and about to go on her period, yuck! So she goes to have sex with a lobster, and of course, things go really wrong, because that's just not natural, and she (presumably) dies as a result. Since this returns his audience to the comfortable conclusions they'd made when they were five (girls are weird and icky), he can rest assured of being King of the Sleepover.

Given the (athem..) mature nature of bulletin-board culture in the 1980's, this became a favorite textfile, up with the harlequin baby and the opening shot of Un Chien Andalou.

Needless to say, no actual lesbians (or lobsters) were harmed in the writing of this WU...