I like to think of myself as a factual to philosophical noder, but not a blogger or a daylogger. Having come to believe in the subjective nature of reality, I am now moving onto the objective nature of ideas, because, after all, what fun is subjectivity? It should be a lens, not a picture. Nevertheless I am in conflict because although I have very concrete goals and aspirations, I have difficulty conforming myself to my own expectations. I accept hypocrisy as a necessary and fundamental human characteristic, but only in the limited sense of shaping an ideal personal reality. For myself, the crazy thing is I know what makes me happy, but sometimes I purposefully ignore what I know to be the right course of action for bizarre unknown reasons. Doesn't seem like laziness.

I have some sort of fear of success, or something holding me back, or perhaps an unknown goal that is actually driving me. The disturbing thing is that by outward appearances I've really got my shit together. I am too skeptical of others to seek advice from friends and family, and I wouldn't want to compromise those relationships anyway. I suspect a psychologist could help me, but I think my problems are deeper and more introspective than the traditional character disorders and neuroses. So far psychologists have failed to understand what's bothering me, but I'll keep looking. I need someone familiar with my ideas. A spiritual philosopher rather than a clinical diagnostician. Maybe all I need is the balls to ditch this cookie and go study with a Zen teacher.

I record the following poorly-written poem in this day log as a record of my current mindstate:


opportunity aggregate
binding thought to decision
unwilling destruction
and scattered focus
forced loose grasp

Uncomfortable silence of the soul sows
Abortive struggles to arrive

conceptual bursting
priority annointing
reason eroding
satisfaction confusing

purpose releases
prescribed ideas blend
thought buried foundations
physicality pervades

No delineation exists where emotion ends
Nothing exists when emotions begin
Leave Wise