You see, Jon-Benet Ramsey is not dead. She may have been found murdered, but she is not. That was all staged. I know this because my friends and I saw her in Denny's. We were out celebrating my birthday (I was wearing my birthday tiara) having dessert when my roommate John goes, "look, it's Jon-Benet Ramsey!" We all tried to look without looking. There sat two girls with their parents (maybe?), both dressed like little whores. The little one looked EXACTLY like Jon-Benet. It had to be her.

After we laughed about it for a while, we talked about telling the Enquirer about it. "Nah," said John, my roommate. "We'd need proof." It so happened that Mia, my art-student roommate, had a project going on where she was taking photos of things in the everyday world that spelled letters of the alphabet. John's ex-boyfriend Danny and Mia ran back to the house to get her disposable camera while we all sat there in Denny's and prayed Jon-Benet wouldn't leave.

Mia returned with the camera, and the next problem was how to take a good picture of her without her noticing. I believe someone tried taking a shot from the table, but it wasn't good enough. We had to get more daring.

Finally, Mia and the rest of the crowd decided to pretend to pose near Jon-Benet and have her fiance, Reuben, pretend to be taking a picture of them when in fact he would focus between their heads on little Jon-Benet. It really didn't work out too well since we only got the back of her head, but then we did some detective work after the family left and stole the drawings the little girl had left on the table from her Barbie coloring book. The photo quality was nowhere near good enough for the Enquirer to believe us, so I guess we just suck.

After mentioning this incident on my Web site, some idiot wrote to me and told me I was a dumbass because I couldn't have really seen Jon-Benet in Denny's since she was dead and didn't I know that? I think this is funnier than the whole night itself.