Yeah, I’m in one of those moods, disjointed and restless. I don’t want to go anywhere now, no, I’ve spent all day at home in the city. Now I’m here, washing the dishes, scrubbing down the bathroom, sweeping, mopping, ignoring the fact that I’m moving around three other people, they’re moving around me, we’re living near each other but that’s it. Thank the Lord every day for this walkman.

I don’t want a stereo filling the place with sound, the music spreads that way, we all end up sharing it. I don’t want it that way, this is barely about the music anymore. It’s about creating a personal space within the public areas, carrying the sound around with me, my own sound, inside my head, loud and encompassing, boom boom boom and no one gets to share with me.

I’m in a bubble, you can’t reach me in here. I’m going to scrub down the walls, get out of my way. Driven by a determination that’s driven by desperation and energy and frustration and countless nameless, formless emotions, I’m an automaton and I think it’s time the floor was swept. I think it’s time the tub was scrubbed out, it’s time this whole place got disinfected and renewed and smelled of pine scented cleansers.

It’s not about the music or the cleanliness, it’s a dance station, ”Today’s hit music”, anything loud with beats will do. Anything with beats and lots of clear noise to make my brain seem bigger. Anything with water to occupy my hands, just about stripped down to my underwear, splashing and swishing and sponging the sinks and dishes. I’m almost on my hands and knees scouring the kitchen floor, only the other girls are in there and it would take three hours and a slow song just came on the radio and I dropped the walkman and scattered the batteries and everything went skittering across the floor, I dropped the whole contraption when I tried to switch to another station that was moving with music.

This is when I ruin my eardrums, not my day to day usage of headphones but these nights when I pump the volume so loud it echoes in my head, the sibilance hissing through my brain and when the music plays it takes me away and somewhere else.