I was going to start fast
ing today. I went to an all-you-can-eat sushi
place earlier in the month, and ever since then my usually well-tempered stomach has been pushing me to eat for
pleasure's sake, rather
than necessity's sake, and I have decided it's high time I re-established control over myself.
But I didn't start fasting, because as soon as I got to campus, I got an email from an old high school chum who said he and some others were in town for Spring Break, and that we should all meet at such-and-such time to grab a bite and catch up. So that happened, and it was good to realize that my peers are living with the same kinds of problems as I am. And my wallet is out of money in addition to all the food preparation devices (skillet, pots, pans, cereal bowls, casserole dishes) in my house being dirty, so odds are pretty good I'll start fasting tomorrow.
I was supposed to call her tonight, but then again, I was supposed to talk to her after class on Wednesday, and I was especially supposed to talk to her after class on Monday (it's the easiest opening in the world: So, how was your weekend?). But so far I haven't, and if I stay in this lab much longer, chances are I'll tell myself it's too late, she's too busy doing other stuff to want to talk to me. I'm always looking for excuses to avoid confronation.
I've been neglecting her? No, I'm just scared of more build-up before the (inevitable?) dam burst, when she lets it slip somehow that I'm wasting both of our time, pursuing someone who's nothing like me. I'm playing the odds under the assumption that she doesn't like me. We barely smile at each other in class, because I'm scared to keep looking at her while she's not reciprocating (what if she thinks I'm staring, or if some other alto thinks I'm looking at her and gets the wrong idea?), and she is growing weary giving me signals and not having me respond to them. Most of what I see on her is the disappointed look that may just be her being bored by the class, but I just don't know. It fills me with dread, the thought that I might now be responsible for someone else's emotions. Whenever we do something together, I think I'm boring her. She plays sports and hangs out with guys that (probably) never shut up. Maybe I'm wrong and she appreciates the change, having someone that listens, having some moments of silence. Maybe some synthesis of these seemingly exclusive possibilites is true. I kept asking her out, maybe she let down her guard because she thought I really liked her. So many things I don't know for lack of experience. All I know is that it's impossibly hard to make myself act on my brief moments of optimism.
I also re-read a short introductory essay on Buddhism that Jeeves sent me yesterday. Seems like the kind of stuff that may help me calm down my brain, shut it the fuck up sometimes. Promotes clarity of vision, not having unrealistic expectations of the world (may help situation with aforementioned girl considerably if I take it seriously). If nothing else, was a useful reminder that reading can be beneficial on multiple levels. Reading is up 200+% in the past week, owing mainly to all the Unix books I've been perusing.
Full moon tonight.
I'm now the root account for a set of linux boxes that a new professor at my university recently bought for his future research. Consequence: I am going to be on the internet much more than I have been for the past 10 months or so (when I last had access to the net in my place of residence). Welcome back.