And Another Thing I Can't Stand: Miscellaneous Bitchoids from the New Scum Lexicon

First thing people sometimes ask me is "Spider, why do you hate it here?" At that point, I have to tell them it's because after I raped their cat and taught their younger son how to properly polish his crank, I've really been a bit goddamn bored, mostly. Then to make the point, I usually have to disjoint them in my bathtub with a chainsaw (electric chainsaws. Best thing to happen to public opinion in this country in years) to ensure they don't breed.

I supposed I could simply ask them what the hell it is they feel so cheery about. Problem with that approach is that they then seem to want to tell me, with great enthusiasm; by the time they're done, I tend to be hunting for a gas-powered version of the chainsaw to get the job done quicker. Plus, I can just light it up when done to finish the job.

Let's start with the Middle East. Oh, sure, it's all horrible, it's terrible, it's the worst thing in the world. Let me give you one example of the depth of the problem here; when our resident Western World Official Infosewer interviewed a witness of a recent massacre by a lone Palestinian gunman, the witness had to stop the story and say admiringly something along the lines of "You know, I have to say, the way he just walked into the gunfire firing his pistol...he was a hell of a man." The speaker in question was an Israeli Jew.

The depth to which this mode of discourse, the one with high velocities and kinetic energies, is submerged into the culture of the region (all of them) is just frightening for all those of us wuss-type American-born haters who think it's a good day when we get to videotape cops beating the living shit out of some slacker collegiate with a Scientology textbook. News flash: It's not news, except for the fact that for once the Pigs are doing their fucking job and attempting to discourage the Old Scum from walking the streets where us new variants have laid claim with our asses. I fully support the beating of Scientologists; if they're able to swallow the unbelievable amount of crap they appear to and pay for the privilege, why don't we just tell them it's a taxpayer-sponsored Shiatsu session? They'd probably line up to stick their goddamn heads under the batons.

Back to the point. The Middle East. I'm not gonna tell you I have answers to that shitstorm; it's outta my jurisdiction. I will, however, tell you that it has gone far to expose the level of sewage to which the leadership of this country has sunk. I will tell you this because despite it being roughly as obvious as a turd on a bed of rice with a radiccio garnish, The Media appears to think it is, in fact, Chef Louie's brand new entree and worthy of fawning adulation.

The President of the United States, who (so they tell us) has passionately and single-mindedly been prosecuting a responsive, effective 'war on terrorism,' apparently managed to go visit his ranch in Texas for the weekend, and managed (in addition) to ditch most of his handlers for the day. Natch, this is when the more intrepid members of the shit squad catch him with cameras. Sitting on the porch of his house, he opines that the situation over there is just terrible, and that while it's just awful, someone should do something about it, but it probably shouldn't be us, and that the Israelis have a right to self-defense, while the Palestinians do have legit me, it just kept going, the gush of inanity.

Well, that didn't last long. The news hit home, and the Red Phone was yanked off its cradle like a male toddler being babysat by a Catholic Bishop- Call the handlers, they left him alone again.

Next day, there's the President, talking in stentorian and unyielding terms about how enough is enough, trying to open the first campaign of the Semantics war by dubbing the actions of the most recent desperate morons as 'homicide bombing.'

When interviewed, White House staffers told this shitrag that they were 'appalled' and 'surprised' by (get this) not the President's turnaround, or even his initial waffling...but that he'd been left twisting in the wind without a net in front of media.

Think about that.

Leader of our country. Commander-in-Chief of the armed forces of the world's most powerful nation. His own team is petrified by the thought of letting a reporter get to him with a question on the biggest topic of the past couple of months and having the President answer. Oh, sure, this engenders confidence.

It's a cruel and fucked-up world where that coke-snorting sumbitch can command the kind of brainpower that they do admittedly have running around the White House - especially when it's all being wasted, as it apparently takes the efforts of several hundred to make the man smart enough to chew gum and not spit it on the floor when done.

In the immortal words of an unsung man in a ridiculous film, "I weep for the future."

Happy April. I hate this place. Hate it with me and maybe we can change the fucker. You can treat me as a crank and ignore these writeups - but you're gonna get the government you're asking for, then, and you'll think what we got now is a goddamn circle-jerk of a picnic.

-Spider Jerusalem