October 14, 2001 (idea)
See all of October 14, 2001
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Mon Oct 15 2001 at 6:16:28
I just recently realized that I don't know right from wrong. I can apply the "
" to some degree, and I remember my
s vividly, ..but I don't really know good from bad. Recently, a stranger told me that he DID know right from wrong. The only thing I could think to say in response was "That must be nice. I'm still contemplating offers from
Psychic Friends' network
I mean, the
s- - I have a love-hate relationship with them. Some of them are so blissfully enveloped in their faith that they can do no wrong. Many strive for nothing but adherence to their law. Is that the way, or should I find the center of
Are there any
s to cling to? I know for sure that I cannot live the
. I am at least partially an
. So where is the line? I've fucked up so many times. Should I strive for the wife and 2.5 kids? Should I save the world from my evil ways to become the
, surrender, and repent for peace? Should I fight my animal nature all my life?
When I was in the Emergency Room, a
man broke his restraints. He managed to travel a few feet from his bed before he fell with a thud on the floor before me. He was helpless and bleeding. His confused eyes pleaded with me. I recognized this, but I did nothing. I just looked over him inquisitively like a
watching an errant rat. My Mom was already screaming for help by the time I snapped out of that. That's not the first time I've shocked myself with my coldness. I think that if there were ever a major catastrophe, I might not be that
that I had always known I would be.
Sometimes, I can overlook these
s enough to feel
. If that were enough, I think I might be saved, but the same thing always goes wrong. My
always swells to incredible proportions. "I can do so many things! I am wise and good. I should just let go and trust myself with this life."
My memory sucks when I'm that high. I make the same mistakes over and over like some punishment from
. I've died so many times. What good has it done me? I know I am no happier for it, and who is to say if I am any wiser? Like
s are cumulative. Is this lead? No one finds a tolerance to lead. It just builds in their system until they are too
to see the end coming.
I like it!
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