Australia is an island nation; isolated and distant. This isolation, along with vigilant border and customs patrols has meant that many biological threats have thankfully been kept from our shores. Bovine spongiform encephalopathy, foot and mouth disease and Sumatran rat-monkey fever are all unknown here. There will never be a time however, when we can lower our collective guard. One small slip-up is all it takes for utter mayhem to ensue. Eternal vigilance is required, which is why I feel compelled to alert all my fellow Aussie noders to an immediate and serious danger. Sometime soon our borders will be breached; what is this threat you ask – is it BSE? Is it SARS? Is it another Starbucks chamber of Arabica horrors? No my friends, it is much, much worse…

It’s panamaus…

That’s right people; the Maus has hooked up with a bunch of Eastern Pacific boat people and is sailing our way even as you read this. Phillip Ruddock’s Department of Immigration was keeping a close eye on their progress, but Johnny (don’t ya love me) Howard’s recent cabinet reshuffle has meant that Dirty ‘ole Phil is now out the door, and thus Maus’ precise location is no longer clear. However, the latest intelligence suggests that panamaus will land “…somewhere near Sydney…” in early November 2003.


I won’t mislead you my concerned compatriots; things do not look promising. In all likelihood he will sneak through customs, only then to be granted a temporary protection visa, on the grounds that he is persecuted in his homeland and risks being sent to Guantanamo Bay. (Yeah right, just for owning a few Big Star LP’s). He could be sent to Villawood, he could be sent to Port Hedland, nobody is yet quite sure. We must at all costs prevent either of these outcomes.

Contingency Plan

We must act fast my friends. If we allow panamaus to be taken directly into detention, his “…leftist views…”1 and “…questionable lifestyle…”2 could easily break free and infect our porcelain pure populace. Instead, I suggest we employ the “Pre-emptive Strike” strategy so beloved of great military minds such as Fatty Arbuckle, Screamin' Jay Hawkins and Ugly Dave Gray. Here is what I propose.

Friday 7th of November, 2003, 5PM

A brave group shall be assembled, and at the appointed time panamaus will be taken by us from official custody. He will then be removed to an interrogation/attitude adjustment facility located at The Glenmore Hotel, 96 Cumberland St, The Rocks, Sydney ( Proceed directly to the rooftop where the Maus’ re-education is expected to take at least several hours.

From there on the procedure is less structured. I have been present at several successful operations of this type, and let me tell you, it won’t be pretty. We could end up anywhere. Anything could happen. Seriously.

What I need now are volunteers. I won’t lie; this will be one of the toughest operations you will ever face. Strength however, does lie in numbers, so Sydney noders – get in touch with me ASAP – together we can overcome what has already become known in some Governmental sectors as “The pana-threat”. As soon as you sign up, you will be sent the official training manual, one standard-issue urban-ops uniform, one novelty tie, and a can of that spray-on string stuff. All volunteers will be added to the elite list below. Do not rest countrymen and women! As recently as last week, scurrilous and slanderous headlines flashed across the world such as ”Australia 'world's gayest country' 3, and “58% of Australians can’t spell ‘colonic lavage’ 4. I myself am an upstanding gentleman of considerable temperance, as I know you all to be as well. Our way of life must be defended - act now!

A.P.T.S Personnel
Anti pana-threat Squad

Wish we could be there,
but alas...

1 The New York Times
2 The Sutherland Shire Leader
4 The Coonabarabran Enquirer