Grandma has returned from her two-week trip to Arkansas
. Life is back to normal
She came home on Thursday while I was at school. I had to call home on that day because I happened to spot my sister using my AIM and called the house to tell on her. She knew better than to come over to the house and touch my computer! From the moment I heard my grandma’s voice I physically fell apart. We think it’s psychosomatic pain. My stomach has been upset, doing flip-flops and making weird noises. The Raynaud’s symptoms have been awful. My back and head have been hurting as well. My eyes are a mess. And mentally/emotionally I’m as big a wreck as ever. I’ve even been having suicidal thoughts. I’m not in danger of death though. The thoughts occur, yes. Having the thoughts and acting on them are far from the same however.
Friday my sister had a choir concert. I was not allowed to attend. Saturday, the twins are being christened. That too I have been banned from. Why? Because I refuse to allow my grandma to dye the gray out of my hair. I cannot stand the smell of the hair color she insists on using. It makes me sick to my stomach.
Zack (my close friend from school) bought me and him each a web cam. Grandma took it away. She threatened to kick me out and went on about a bunch of other bad things I’ve done. My mom called on the phone again and made me feel even more shitty. TYVM. I cried so hard, harder than I had in a long time. It was something I’d needed to do for a long time. I thought I’d never cry again, like I had lost the ability.
I find myself trying to deny how depressed I am, how self-destructive I feel. I’m trying to be who everyone wants. The inside people are very, um, I suppose “active” is as closest as I can think of to the correct term, because I don’t know if the correct term even really exists. I am not exactly “stable” right now.
I have fallen deep into the depression again but am trying desperately hard to focus. Making small goals, working hard toward them. Most of my goals seem silly and stupid. But it’s all I can do right now. If I can reach the little ones it leads to hope for bigger, better ones. I’m trying hard. It may not seem like it, but I am.
One more thing so I don't forget I did:
On Saturday night my best friend picked me up, we went down and watched "Little Shop of Horrors" being put on my the high school we went to. The play was really good. They did a great job. The actors/singers were on. The set was great. The lobby decoration was excellent. They seemed organized and together as a group. Made me miss it. (My best friend and I were house managers during most of our high school career.) After the play we went and played darts. I had one Smirnoff Ice. Then, since we were both hungry, ended up at Applebee's. That was not our first choice but only thing that was open was that and Denny's. I don't like their mozzarella sticks now. They changed the recipe. The waitress was great, and since we didn't like them, she took them off of our bill.