I found this poem that I wrote at a time when my parents had taken the internet away and I had no one at all. It's very depressing to know that most of this poem still aplies today.

A to Z
By bluebird

Always trying to be pleasant,
Being careful not to anger those around her.
Crying all night long.
Days seem so long.
Every day just like the last.
Find the computer to type nonsense.
Going nowhere, just wasting away
Happiness eludes her now.
In the day she sleeps real late
Just waiting for the time to pass
Keeps herself alive just for her family
Love’s her family, no matter what
Maybe someday life will change
Not today and not tomorrow
Only a small hope is left within her
Popcorn every night making her fat
Quite as can be so she doesn’t cause a fight
Reading books she doesn’t care about
Slowly rotting away in her room
Trying hard to please her mom
Useless pleas for the internet
Very sad, feeling all alone
Worried she will make her mom mad
Xacto knifes is on her brain
Young at heart, old in pain
Z is the end, maybe someday she’ll carve one in her wrist.

I'm tired of being tired. I'm so tired but no matter how hard I try I can't sleep till early hours like 6 am or later. I am not allowed to use the computer after 12am so it's difficult to say the least. I stay in my room all alone and last night the Geodon wasn't helping at all. I lost some time. It scares me when that happens. The Paxil is supposed to help with depression and anxiety but guess what...I'm more anxious lately and more depressed than I was before.

I'm turing into a baby. I get into... I don't know what you would call it...but I get where I just can't even make sense and I just go take my blankey and go suck my thumb. I'm scared and don't know how long my mom is even going to let me live here still. I just want someone to hold me.

I have to go to the psychiatrist tommorow. I also should go get the staples out of my leg. Then I have a phone item with the SSI.