Today was bad….

I cut myself, worse than ever before. I didn’t mean to do it I just did it. Okay I realize this needs some explanation so with the worst part of my day out there let me tell you how today went.

I slept about 2 hours. Then I had to get up and go to the psychiatrist. She gave me Paxil and an anti-psychotic that I’ve never heard of before. I start taking them tomorrow.

A friend I thought I’d lost forever talked to me. I IM’d her cause I was desperate and scared cause of the cut. My mother and step-dad weren’t home and it was just me and the kids. I thought for sure I was gonna pass out. It was good to talk to her. I know she is ok.

I picked my sister up from school and took her to grandma’s house. My brother had a minimum day so my grandma already had him there because she picked him up while my mom went to the stupid appoinment with me. Once I got rid of the kid I went to Target to buy the kids their birthday presents. Their party is tonight. I bought them each a CD. I got my sister What’s going On and my brother a Radio Disney cd. Then I went to the 99 cent store and bought them some candy. While I was there I bought myself razor blades. This is bad.

I had the blade in my pocket this evening. The kids were playing and getting ready for bed. (The kids are my now 11 year old brother and my almost 13 year old sister). Well anyway, I went to the bathroom and I didn’t mean to do it. Didn’t know I was going to do it. Suddenly I saw a blade go on my skin and the skin just kind of split and spread apart and blood. It’s worse than anything I’ve done before. It probably should have stitches. The problem is if my family finds out I cut again I end up in a mental hospital. I can’t right now. I have the online class to pass. It just wouldn’t help me to go there yet again. I cleaned it. I put hydrogen peroxide on it. And I took a paper towel and mailing tape and tried to tape it tight so it wasn’t like spread as far. It hurts a lot. It’s hard to walk.

Here’s the scary part though. I don’t know why I did it. Usually I cut for a reason, though that reason is not always the same reason. I am scared. I don’t know exactly what I am scared of but I am scared.