It’s been a long, long time since I have went to sleep because I wanted to. I usually sleep as little as possible for fear of hell and the lack of control. Early this morning though I said, “I want to go to sleep now!” I felt safe. So I wiggled into a comfortable spot on my bed and closed my eyes, and let myself drift willingly away. A warm, fuzzy, safe feeling had overtaken me and despite a long, stressful day I slept a wonderful sleep, nightmare free.

I am standing in the middle of a large empty room. I look around, not sure where I am, but before the emptiness can fully even hit me I see him. His beautiful smile and loving eyes make me feel warm and tingly. I feel amazing. He walks toward me, and I’m just standing there, seemingly frozen in place. As he gets closer, I expect him to speak, yet he doesn’t. When he finally reaches me he gently grabs my hand and kisses it. He slowly leads me by the hand toward a large beautiful soft bed that I had not seen before. He gently kisses me, first on the cheek, then ever so gently on the lips. He speaks for the first time, “I love you.” Then we simply sit together on the big bed, and look into each others eyes. One of his hands is still holding mine, while the other hand begins to play with my hair, twirling it gently around his finger. His loving touch making all the worries and all the anxiety I’ve ever felt all disappear. Suddenly I realize we are no longer sitting, but laying on the bed, and he is holding me close, keeping me safe. Although I know realize I’m only dreaming I don’t care, his body close to mine, just holding me, makes me want to stay there forever, forever in his arms.

But now I’m awake, and missing him, missing the touch I never really had.