Dream Log: January 18, 2002 (idea)

I walk into the bathroom, in the middle of the day. No one is home. My mom is at work. My step dad is at work or off at one of his sister’s houses or something. My siblings are at school. I should be alone.

There’s a man standing in the bathroom. I jump at the site of this large man standing in my bathroom when no one should be home. I try to get to the phone. He grabs my arm. It hurts. His hands are big and strong. In a husky voice he says, “I saw you sucking your thumb. I’ll give you something to suck.”

Next thing I know I’m on my knees in the bathroom with him pushing the back of my head in toward his crotch. He sticks his penis in my mouth. I gag. He pushes himself farther in my mouth. I don’t know what else to do so I bite down as hard as I can. He grabs my hair and yanks so hard a handful comes out in his hand. “You’ll pay for that!”

Suddenly we’re in my bedroom. He forces me onto the bed and starts to pull my jeans off of me. He pulls my shirt off and my bra while already forcing himself into me. It feels so real…it hurts so much. He begins to thrust himself into me, deeper and deeper. Tears roll down my face. I try to scream but no sound comes out. I try to escape but I cannot move. He’s so heavy and big. I have no chance. He’s going to kill me…

He doesn’t do his crime in silence. He speaks to me in between heavy breaths, his voice now more husky than ever. “I’ll make it look like you killed yourself. They’ll believe it. You psycho bitch.”

He fondles my breasts, squeezing so hard I cannot breath. “Stop your crying! This is your own fault! You brought this on yourself!”

He continues for what seems like forever. “I love virgins, so tight. You know you like it.” Thrusting so hard…so deep. His heavy weight on my weak little body. “Bitch will have to pay for your crimes. You’ll pay. I’ll make you pay!”

It’s never going to end. It’s never going to end. The monster will destroy me, he’ll destroy the little that’s left that once was me. Thrusting up and down. The headboard hits the wall with every thrust. My head his the headboard each and every time. “Crazy bitch needs to pay.” “I’ll make you pay!” He thrusts even harder. I lose consciousness.

I open my eyes, having no idea how much time has passed. He’s no longer on top of me. I think he’s gone. I think it’s finally over. I try to sit up. My head hurts too much. I lift my hand to my head. I’m so sore that this takes almost all my energy to do. I feel blood. I look at my hand, blood sticky hair is stuck to my fingers.

I look around the room. If I can just get to the phone… I try to get off the bed, just four steps and I could touch the phone. I fall onto the floor in a little ball. I can’t do it. I’m too weak. My whole body shakes.

Suddenly I hear a sound. Footsteps. Oh God help me!

That husky voice, no longer gasping for breathe with each word. “Get your ass off the floor you lazy useless bitch! I’ll kill you!” I’m paralyzed with fear. He comes closer, bends down and grabs me like a rag doll, throwing me against the wall my bed is alongside. I can’t breathe. I’m going to die.

He has a Xacto knife in his hand. If he just leaves and leaves that here I can deaden the pain. I can make the pain and poison get out… “Hey psycho! You enjoy cutting yourself do you? Let’s play slave and master.” He takes hold of my arm and makes one long gash from just below my elbow down my arm, stopping only an inch and a half from my wrist. “You like that!? You like to watch yourself bleed!?” I’m too weak to respond. All I can do is lay there and watch, and hope to die. “How about your legs? Let’s add a few marks on your road map of insanity!” I can’t feel any pain now, I only feel blood as it begins move slowly down my legs and into small puddles on my bed. Poison leaving my body. Death rescue me soon. Death rescue me… He proceeds to slice my skin—my arms, my legs, my stomach, my breasts, until I finally pass out from lack of blood.